It's A Free Day!!

Saturday, June 11, 2005


Music: " I Don't Know How to Say Goodbye to You" Sam Phillips and "NYC" Interpol

I woke up this morning to the sound of either the loudest woodpecker I have ever heard or the spanish guys are back fixing the apartment. I have my cup of coffee and I have nothing to do today! I can't believe it. It can't be true. No babysitting. Parents decided not to come down. Nothing. Nada. except for cleaning my room and that can wait. So what shall I do. I haven't a clue. Finish reading my bio on Vivien Liegh? Go to the beach if it doesn't rain? Spend my gift cards? Go get Napoleon(basset hound) and take him for a walk? Go thrift store shopping? I can't decide. Ok take that back. I will have to look online all day for cars now that my parents aren't coming down this weekend. Looks like I'm going to be getting a Honda Accord. I really want that VW cabrio but I will have to take what I can get huh? So what else can I rant and rave about? hmm? Things that make you go hmm! Remember that song. Ha Ha! Oh I met this lady last night who was around 55. She is Connie in like 30 years. She was so cute. She was dancing her booty off. I hope I still have that ability to just let loose when I'm 55. People really surprise me. You know how you really look up to someone and respect them and sometimes even go out of your way for them and then one day you discover that they are not at all who you thought they were? It's like were they just being fake all of this time? It's crazy how your ability to care just kinda dissapears. Are people really that self-centered? I have known several people like this in my lifetime and now one of them is related to me. Wow! I never thought she would turn her back on me but she has. I even lived with her when things weren't going great between me and my mom. I trusted her and look what happened. Greed! Greed is an evil thing! It sadness me that when the outcome of this is all over she will be the one who loses everything and part of me really cares and part of me just wants karma to have it's way with her. She has restricted me and my family from seeing my Grandmother who is in the hospital right now. This woman used to dress me up and curl my hair and care for me like a daughter and now she won't even let me see my own Granny. Just what happened? Enough about that. This is getting long but I need to let everything out. Now that I'm letting everything out let's get on the topic of marriage. Why does my Mother feel the need to harass me because I am not married? What does she want me to do? Just go find some random guy on the street and take a plane to Vegas? Okay she was married when she was 20 years old. She has always had a man in her life including her Daddy. I haven't been in a serious relationship in 3 years. I have learned alot of things in that time believe me and I am proud of my independence. This is something she has never experienced. Being Single. So she needs to get off of my back about the choices I make. I know I'm not getting any younger as she says but who cares? I'm enjoying my life. I'm doing what I need to do for me and when the right person comes along then marriage will come into the picture and she can have those grandkids she is always bitching about. And if I never find the man that I want to marry then I will get a bunch of cats and a dog and adopt an asian baby! Okay I have ranted enough today. I feel so much better!!! I'm going to get ready to enjoy my day and I want you to remember "Sharks...they only bite when you touch there private parts!".......51st datesI decided to write more random things. This is what I'm doing today because this is what I want to do. Sit in front a computer all day long and rattle off all the shit that is in my head right now while I enjoy my thai food I had delivered. How can I get ahead financially? When did this become an issue with me? So I miscalculated something in my budget and now I have two overcharge fees on my account. ARGHHHHHHHHHh! When does it end. Now after I pay everything off I will have exactly $100.O0 to live off of for two weeks. Why do we become slaves in this life? I hope the afterlife is better. I hate being 26. It's the stupidest age. You feel like a fucking time bomb. Part of you is still immature and clueless and part of you just wants to grow up and get it over with. There is this void that you keep trying to fill and it's impossible. I don't think anyone ever fills that void. I think we are all seeking this thing called happiness and what we think it is and when we get it we want something else. It's a neverending process. Damn this pad thai is good! Anyhoo, back to what i was saying. I mean what is happiness? It's different for everyone. Happiness to me at this time in my short lived life is finding love,expressing myself creatively,having a family and being able to afford things,not necessarily a mercedes but just basic things without worry. The American Dream. Would my dream be any different if I grew up in Russia or Paris or Tokyo? Being able to provide for my children and try to teach them what took me 26 years to figure out so they can make different mistakes. But do we really make mistakes I mean, Life is one big mistake right? We have to learn from this one so if there is another one after it we can do better. Maybe there really are aliens that live on another planet and maybe thats where heaven is supposed to be. Maybe all these E.T sightings are people that have passed on to the next life and they are just coming to check up on us or something. I know I'm strange but just bear with me. I think we should just all live underwater personally and build little cities under there. That would be cool. We could just swim around all day like Ariel. And why does Disney poison the mind of little children to think that when they grow up they will marry prince charming and life will be perfect? I'm going to sue them. When I was little I thought that when I was 26 I would be driving a pink corvette and married to Ken and I would be a movie star,doctor,lawyer,astronaut,president etc and live in Malibu and live happily ever after. I'm suing Mattel too damnit. I'm not complaining about my life exactly. I know there are starving children in Africa but these are things I think about. And why if there is a God did he give me the desire to be creative? Why can't I just be a fucking engineer or something. That way I could just go to my litte 9-5 job and what I have to do and pay the bills on time. No I have to be all over the place. Can you tell? My mind is like a roller coaster', a maze, a big,squishy philosophical mass of questions? Why do we think? What is the point? It just gets in the way. Maybe I should take yoga so I can just be. But even then I would try to meditate and I would be thinking about if I need toilet paper or not. Believe me this is not something I would want to forget. Using paper towels sux when you have to poo. Ha Ha! And why do guys think girls don't poo? because we do, so get over it. Why did John Lennon have to die? He was so peaceful and serene. Maybe he is Jesus! Maybe that's why he died so he could go back to Heaven. Maybe Yoko is Mary! Okay I am really going overboard now. See where this can lead? I will be in the psyche ward soon. What if we had tails or antlers. Ha Ha. Can you imagine? I saw this on the Barkers and I have thought the same thing for years. We would have outfits for our tails, we we have to get the hair on our tails done, you would hold tails instead of hands. Little babies would have tails. Okay I really have to get off of here now. Here is a little poem I wrote:Not too long ago when I was just so high
I had time to slide down rainbows and look up at the sky
I had time to laugh and time to sing so much time to think about so many things
Not too long ago nothing really mattered to me except of course if it was my turn to watch the t.v
or sit in the front seat or choose my bedtime tale
the one where Peter Pan rescued me and on Captain Hooks ship we would sail
But one day I grew up and everthing seemed to matter
like if I ate that choclate cake I might get fatter
andif I don't get married I might die all alone
and if I don't find a really great job thenI'll have no place to call home
And somehow during that time I began to realize what my parents were trying to explain
that life will bring you happiness if you let it but sometimes it's gonna rain
It's not the end of the world my mom would say be strong
don't shed a tear and that's when I realized sometimes it's okay to show my fear
Not too long ago I discovered that wishing on a star is quite alright
that wishing you could fly will actually make you take flight
The movie is not all about you and all your starring scenes
it's about the people around you and how you help them to realize their dreams.THE END