When will I ever become whole?

I'm really sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm missing an arm or a leg or something. I just want to be complete. I'm tired of floating around this earth like a lonely ghost not knowing what the fuck I want to do with my life. I'm mean I try, I really do. I go to the gym, read books all the time, paint, write poetry, started going back to mass, immerse myself in acting. I'm really taking the time out to find me but it's like I'm just running around in a circle. Everything is okay with Brandon but then again it's not. I feel like I'm losing interest again and I think mainly because he lives so far. It's hard to keep the connection. You know what I really want to do? If I could do just one thing in this life before I die it would be to go to Europe. I want that so bad. I just want to save up and surround myself with something new and different. Will I ever be whole? I just want my crazy monkey mind to stop terrorizing me with analyzing. I want to just be. I really need to take yoga up again. I have something that I just cant let go of either no matter how hard I try. Something in my past that is killing me. I really did some things that I regret and I wish I could just take them back but when you think you are in love you act desperate I guess. I want to apologize even though I think it's already been done. I still feel incomplete. I acted like a spoiled brat who didn't get her way and I wish I could take back my behavior. I'm embarassed by it. I know that I needed that heartbreak to toughen me up but I really got to let go I just don't know how. I'm trying hard though. Really hard. I just want peace within. I'm tired of fighting a war against myself.