Numb

Music: The Fray "Trust Me"

Okay PMS onset so very emotional. Yes I know things are going great for me but I'm so lonely. So so lonely. I'm so numb to everything anymore. I think that's why I'm getting cast so much is because I'm pouring all this emotion into my acting. I keep having these crazy very scary nightmares and when I look up the meanings they all say something about letting go of the past. I think that when you do get your heart broken it never really fully heals until the day you find the person your meant to be with. I don't know if that person really exists anymore but I'm trying to hold on to faith. I have a need for connection, always have, and it's a huge blow when it's not reciprocated. I have tons of self confidence, at least most of the time, but when someone rejects me personally that hurts more than ever because it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. Nothing happened recently but I did see an ex today at the redlight and it brought back memories of the pain I guess. I also talked to a girlfriend of mine who I haven't spoken to in awhile and she's talking about how she works in a law firm and they go out all the time and she's been dating so much and blah blah blah and it made me start to question what I was doing with my life which is insane. I started thinking to myself that all I do is babysit and have no contact with the outside world. I haven't worked around men in a long time and I don't think I really like to unless they are artsy fartsy like me. I'm so scared of guys anymore. I've got too much thick skin now. I have the balls to do anything I set my mind to but I don't have the balls to fall in love again. It's torn me to pieces and it's been a hard road trying to put them all back together again. I'm just trying to go the direction that God is leading me in but it's getting tough. I know what I have to do with my life and I know it's going to be tough. I just wish I had someone to pick me up and hold me when things get hard. I've been alone for so fucking long that I talk to myself all of the time. I'm going to go mental soon.