Baby Blues

Music: Deftones "Changes" ( I have a sexual fantasy about this song involving a tinkerbell costume. Don't ask)

I don't know why but I have alot to write. I feel like getting some stuff out there. By the way if you think I'm a big dork for doing this it's very therapeutic. Don't knock it till you try it. So Brandi has done yet another dumbass thing today. I go on my lunch break to pay my cable bill and there is an ass of traffic on the bridge. I finally get to Comcast pay my bill, get all the way back to work only to realize I wrote the check for the wrong amount. Total waste of a lunch break. I was driving over the Old Cooper River bridge and realized that it's probably one of the last times I will ever drive over it. That bridge scared the living daylights out of me when I first move to Charleston but now I love that bridge. It's going to be sad to see it go. My grandad bless his heart used to drive over the bridge in a big Studebaker with a mile long cigarette hanging out of his mouth and this is when cars were going both ways back and forth. My Dad told me that story. That new coldplay song came on as I was going across and it made me smile to myself. That is one of those songs that make you realize that life is pretty cool sometimes. I'm going through one of those days where I start to doubt things and I don't know why. Like is it worth it to move somewhere to continue giving a stab at acting. This has nothing to do with confidence and these doubts do go away but they resurface every now and again and today is one of them. I know that moving is something I need to do but the other night, I can't believe I'm saying this, I was babysitting these 3 kids. One of them is 10 weeks old. A little baby and I couldn't tear myself away from her. I just held her and kept thinking I could have one of these little boogers. She was just so sweet and angelic and I thought this is what life is about. Love. Then I had to walk in the other room to change her and I looked in the mirror at myself holding this little person and it freaked me out. It was like okay so this is what I would look like with a baby. I know I definitely want kids but not at this point in my life. In a few years no doubt. Oh and then there is that whole problem with needing a man in the equation. Screw Men! I 'll just adopt but I would like to have one of my own too. And then there is that whole crazy world situation. The world is so precarious and I don't know if I want my kids to grow up in chaos. I'm sure my parents thought the very same thing back in 1978 though. So it's when I start to think of family that I start to doubt the acting thing but like I said this feeling goes away. This is obviously not where I am in my life right now but will be someday in the near future. I still need more me time right now. I haven't gotten myself completely figured out and I don't know if I ever will but I'm trying. As much as I want to be this hot actress who never grows old and wins Oscars and is career oriented there is that nurturing instinct inside of me that just wants to care about something besides my damn self. So anyways I just spilled my guts so I'm out like a fat kid in a game of Dodgeball. Oh and if you haven't seen the Andy Milonakis show yet you must see it! I love that show. It's my kind of humor. The dog is so cute.