Dark Day

Music: Halycon "Orbital"


I had to do something I did not want to do today. I had to be somewhere I did not want to be. I had to help a friend go through something that to me would seem traumatic and life changing. I can't explain the thoughts that ran through my head as I sat in this place waiting on my friend. I felt so strange. I'm sitting in a lobby reading a book and in the next room something so sureal is taking place in the next room. My stomach is in knots. My whole perception of the future totally turned around in a few hours. What is life? Is it that easily discarded? taken away? Are the choices we make really that important to where life and death becomes an issue? I'm so confused right now. I don't know what my feelings are anymore. Does a birthday really change you that much? I feel like a different person today. I've never been good at dating God knows and now I'm dating more than one person and I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like someone is going to get hurt in the end and I don't want to be the person that hurts them. This is going to sound totally cliche but I feel like I'm just a pretty girl to these guys. I don't feel like they really like me for what's inside. I want someone who can get deep inside my soul and discover all the quirks that I have and still like me. I don't even know if I want to date. I've been alone so long that I'm so used to it. Now I feel like these guys are invading my space. I feel so claustrophobic. I'm scared for anyone to get close to me. I'm scared to let them in. I've only really let one person in before and well you know the rest. I'm stubborn, dramatic, I shut down alot when I'm overwhelmed with emotion, I can be a real pain in the ass but I'm also smart, caring,passionate, driven and unique but I feel like noone wants to see that in me. They just want me there to get out of me what they want and that's it. Today was just rough for me. I don't mind being a rock for everyone but I need my own rock to lean on sometime. This tough girl thing is getting old.