ATL

I'm back from the ATL. I had a great time. I filmed "Freakin Funny" on Saturday. It was fun but I had this massive zit, well at least to me it was massive so I kept being insecure about it. Sunday I went to church with Jennifer (lady I stay with while in ATL) and it was Episcopalian. I didn't really like it too much. Guess I'm Catholic all the way. I was thinking the whole time that this is bootleg Catholic. Ha Ha! Jennifer is trying to set me up with this guy that is the youth director at her church. He's like my age and his name is Brandon. Brandi and Brandon. Cute! NO! She gave him my e-mail address. I'm going to kill her. I'm just not into dating anyone right now. Is that so wrong? Monday I had an audition for a feature film called The Beautiful Ordinary. I auditioned for the part of a hippie teacher. I felt like I did a good job! I think it's going to be filmed in Wilmington, NC. That's where they film One Tree Hill and Surface. I did this promotional modeling thing last night at The Charleston Place Hotel for the Chrysler Corporation. I had to be a hostess. I got paid 45 bucks an hour plus they bought me a 150.00 dress. I can't beat that. Anyway things are okay. My sister is doing really bad. She's very emotional and I wish I could get to the bottom of her problems but she won't open up to me. I have that stressing me out but I'm putting my faith in God that he will show me the way to help her. Oh and if you get a chance read my blog on myspace. I posted a speech by Nelson Mandela that is very inspiring.

Numb

Music: The Fray "Trust Me"

Okay PMS onset so very emotional. Yes I know things are going great for me but I'm so lonely. So so lonely. I'm so numb to everything anymore. I think that's why I'm getting cast so much is because I'm pouring all this emotion into my acting. I keep having these crazy very scary nightmares and when I look up the meanings they all say something about letting go of the past. I think that when you do get your heart broken it never really fully heals until the day you find the person your meant to be with. I don't know if that person really exists anymore but I'm trying to hold on to faith. I have a need for connection, always have, and it's a huge blow when it's not reciprocated. I have tons of self confidence, at least most of the time, but when someone rejects me personally that hurts more than ever because it makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. Nothing happened recently but I did see an ex today at the redlight and it brought back memories of the pain I guess. I also talked to a girlfriend of mine who I haven't spoken to in awhile and she's talking about how she works in a law firm and they go out all the time and she's been dating so much and blah blah blah and it made me start to question what I was doing with my life which is insane. I started thinking to myself that all I do is babysit and have no contact with the outside world. I haven't worked around men in a long time and I don't think I really like to unless they are artsy fartsy like me. I'm so scared of guys anymore. I've got too much thick skin now. I have the balls to do anything I set my mind to but I don't have the balls to fall in love again. It's torn me to pieces and it's been a hard road trying to put them all back together again. I'm just trying to go the direction that God is leading me in but it's getting tough. I know what I have to do with my life and I know it's going to be tough. I just wish I had someone to pick me up and hold me when things get hard. I've been alone for so fucking long that I talk to myself all of the time. I'm going to go mental soon.

Freakin Funny

I did get cast in Freakin Funny! I found out last night. I was up against 4 other girls for the part of Sally. I have to go to Atlanta March 17-19 to film it. One of my friends lives up there and he is doing the show "Urinetown" so I'm going to try and go see him in it. I got an e-mail from Houghton Talent about coming in and meeting with them. I had e-mailed my stuff to them and I did'nt hear anything until yesterday. They are a good agency. I really want to get in with the People Store though but they are tough to get into. I babysat all day yesterday but I made 120.00 bucks. I totaled up what I have made in the past 4 days just babysitting and it's like 300.00 something. So that's pretty good. The lady I babysat for tried to hook me up with her brother who was there and I'm like "NO THANK YOU". No guys for me right now. I have no life other than working and this acting thing so there's not much to report at the moment. I hope I don't sound like a cocky bitch when I'm writing all of this. I'm just so happy I have to keep record of it because these times have been rare in my life. I have to babysit at 11:oo. Must go get my morning Joe!

Decisions Decisions

Back from ATL. I had the time of my life. I got an agent and a good one. It took some work but I got in the door. First I called them before going to Atlanta and even mentioned my friend's name who is with them but they still said to mail them my materials. Then I e-mailed them with my website and told them I would be in Atlanta in case they had time to see me. Heard Nothing. Then Jennifer(mom's friend) took me by the agency and after waiting about 45 minutes they met with me and told me they were very interested in representing me. They want me to be exclusive but I'm not going to do that because then I couldn't be represented by anyone else. They said I have a good commercial look and that I could do print modeling also. They send talent to audition for One Tree Hill so that is a big plus. Jennifer wants me to move to Atlanta and stay with her rent free. I am highly considering it and then I could move to L.A in June or July. My mom is trying to be supportive but she doesn't get it and she keeps saying things that really hurt but I'm trying to take it lightly. She said to me this morning that she is skeptical about all of this and that I have been doing this for years and I haven't gotten anywhere. That hurt but I ignored it. I told her I have never had an agent really and that everything I have done is on my own and non-union. At least with an agent I can audition for Union stuff. I auditioned for "Bled White" while there. I want this role so badly. I totally get the character. After I read for them and did a screen test the director thanked me and told me that my work was incredible. I hope that means something good. They auditioned me early because they knew I didn't live in Atlanta. The real auditions are March 11th so I have to wait until then to find out. I will find out tommorow if I got cast in "Freakin Funny", another indie project which films for a day in Atlanta. I'm not taking the pre-school job. I'm telling them on Monday. I'm going to babysit and hostess and do other odd jobs so that I can do this. Jennifer is a blessing. I thank God for bringing her back into my life. She is so supportive and really cheering me on and I need that. I know I can do this. I just have to have Faith in myself and the man upstairs. I'm going into all of this blindly but I keep comparing it to Daniel and The Lions. He went into the Lion Den scared to death but he had faith that God would take care of him and he did. That's the way I'm trying to look at it.