Internal Struggle

A whole lot can happen in a months time. I don't know why I haven't been writing in my blog. I have lots to say but for some reason it doesn't come out as easily as it used to. Remember that guy Brandon I was talking about in my last post? Well we started dating but we aren't anymore. Well at least for the moment. It's partially my fault too. He had e-mailed me and from there it led to phone calls that lasted 5 hours to a trip to Charleston in which I treated him like crap. By the end of the Charleston trip we were okay with each other and we proceeded to talk on the phone every night. I loved talking to him over the phone. It was great over the phone but when I saw him in person something inside of me freaked out. He's really cute and sweet and a little dorky but I guess because he wasn't a guy that was going to treat me like shit I decided it wouldn't work out. He even drove the 4 hours from Atlanta to Savannah to stay with my while I was filming. That was great. We had lots of fun together but then the next weekend after finishing up filming in Savannah I drove to Atlanta to see him. This is where the story ends. I walked into his apartment and really freaked. He had pictures and pictures and pictures of his family and friends and all the kids he works with at the church. Why did this scare me so much? I literally could not warm up to him the whole time I was in Atlanta. I tried I really did but it was like there was this scream stuck inside of me that I wanted to let out and I couldn't. I have many issues we all know but this takes the cake. What the fuck is wrong with me? Of course the fact that he is so spiritual intimidates me a little. He's still cool to hang out with. He doesn't throw it in your face or anything. He drinks and even smokes, knows how to dress, I mean he's not a complete religious nerd or anything. His only problem was moving too fast when I told him to slow it down. It scared the piss out of me and now I see what it was like when I dated a certain someone and became controlling and pushy. What goes around comes around huh? I felt the fear. It's not that I didn't like him but I treated him like poo. I kept cutting him down the whole time I was in Atlanta and it was all subconscious. He's one of those guys that wants to wait till he knows a relationship has potential to develop into something meaningful before having sex. Maybe that's what killed it. I'm a horndog. I thrive on sexual energy and that ufortunatley is something that makes me fall for someone which is crazy. So I'm learning a great lesson from all of this. If I'm going to be with someone I have to be whole because I can't give myself to anyone until I figure out what it is I want. This acting thing is another problem. Part of me wants to pursue it somewhere else like L.A or NY again but part of me doesn't. Part of me would be happy staying in the southeast as long as I was working. At what point do you compromise for love? I'm so damn confused and of course when we stop talking I want to be with him even more. Typical Brandi behavior. I want what I can't have. Another part of me was dissapointed because he's not artsy or creative but his soul is beautiful and that's what really attracts me the most. You know what I keep fucking doing too is comparing him to Ryan. WHY? I don't even want to be with him anymore I just wish we could be civil to one another. I'm passed that phase but things about Ryan I really liked. I liked how different he was and that we had so many common interests. I guess I have to think that Brandon is different in his own way too. I mean he really is special and now I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to give up something good. I feel like God put us together for a reason and I'm praying my heart out for him to help me figure out what I'm feeling. I do have to say that God must think alot of me to bring a person like him into my life. He sent me roses for godsake! I know that if it is going to workout I have to figure out if I want to go to L.A and further pursue acting. I'm heading out there the first week of June hopefully to stay with Connie for a week. I want this internal struggle resolved. It's driving me insane and making me break out and we can't have that now can we? I'm headed to mass in the morning to do some serious praying. *Can't wait to catch up T.