New Poem

I’m holding on tight
but everything slips out of my hands
I realize I have no control

Stupid of me
to think I could transcend my fate
Immortal I am not
I want a free soul, a free mind
cleanse the evil, the hatred,
my ego

I’m like a shaky surgeon trying to perform an autopsy on myself.
Taking me apart bit by bit, piece by piece.
Analyzing what went wrong before and deciding on a cure
Uncertainty as to what medication to prescribe
what miracle mind drug needed to cure my disease

Always searching deep but trying to stay light
my intimidating aura a proven failure for connection
trying to slay the cynicism that creeps into my brain
Maintainting an optimistic smile
Keeping hope closed in a clenched fist
wanting the rain to pass me by
to feel the divine healing of the suns evanescent glow

Reinventing, rejuvenating, reincarnating,
my soul, my heart, my faith and my journey
My only weapon, resiliency to pain
wanting to break the spell of the past that stalks me
like a ravenous beast devouring its prey.

I kick and scream, gasping for air,
while it silently tears away at my flesh,
consumes my soul
its mission to extinguish the burning fire that keeps me alive

I am a warrior, a goddess, on a quest for peace within
Fighting a battle within myself I may never win
I’m a statue, standing strong, weathering the storm
hoping to crumble and find balance
trust and harmony
to at last become one

When will I ever become whole?

I'm really sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm missing an arm or a leg or something. I just want to be complete. I'm tired of floating around this earth like a lonely ghost not knowing what the fuck I want to do with my life. I'm mean I try, I really do. I go to the gym, read books all the time, paint, write poetry, started going back to mass, immerse myself in acting. I'm really taking the time out to find me but it's like I'm just running around in a circle. Everything is okay with Brandon but then again it's not. I feel like I'm losing interest again and I think mainly because he lives so far. It's hard to keep the connection. You know what I really want to do? If I could do just one thing in this life before I die it would be to go to Europe. I want that so bad. I just want to save up and surround myself with something new and different. Will I ever be whole? I just want my crazy monkey mind to stop terrorizing me with analyzing. I want to just be. I really need to take yoga up again. I have something that I just cant let go of either no matter how hard I try. Something in my past that is killing me. I really did some things that I regret and I wish I could just take them back but when you think you are in love you act desperate I guess. I want to apologize even though I think it's already been done. I still feel incomplete. I acted like a spoiled brat who didn't get her way and I wish I could take back my behavior. I'm embarassed by it. I know that I needed that heartbreak to toughen me up but I really got to let go I just don't know how. I'm trying hard though. Really hard. I just want peace within. I'm tired of fighting a war against myself.