Not Mine

Not Mine

I've got a family
they say I'm there's
but I'm not

I've got dog
He's supposed to live with me
but he's doesn't

I've got another dog
she lives with me
she's seems like mine
but she's not

I've got a red car
It's supposed to be mine
but somehow it's not

I live in a townhouse
it too seems like mine
but it belongs to someone else

I've got a sister
she's supposed to be my best friend
but she's not

I've got an aunt
she's says she loves me
but she doesn't

I've got a Granny
she's alive
but she's brain dead

I've got lots of kids
they seem like mine
but their not

I've got a voice
and I sing very loudly
but noone hears

I've got you
you seem like mine
but you belong to someone else

I've got an ocean
it's not mine
but I like to think it is sometime

I've got my dreams
there mine
and noone else's
although I'd like to share them

I've got a heart
it belongs to me
and I have a key to unlock it
but that belongs to me too

I've got a life
it's mine
so it seems at times
other times not

I've got a sunny sky
it's not really mine
but it feels like it's shining just for me some days

I've got a friend
he's not mine
though he'd like to be

I've got this moment
it's mine
this silence is all for me

I've got this night
it's mine
where I can dream
about a picnic in the park
and children on a swing
and sitting with you
sharing each others ice cream

I've got memories
they are mine
and they always will be

I may not have alot
but a rich imagination will do

I've got me
a girl, a woman, a puzzle
I'm mine
but I don't think God would agree

Sinking

I'm in a rut right now. I have alot going on especially in the love life department. There is someone in my life that I am crazy about but it's not really working in my favor at the moment. It's causing me alot of heartache and joy at the same time. What started as fun has turned into alot more for me and I can't handle it at the moment. I've been depressed all week to the point that I feel like I'm going to vomit every 5 minutes. I don't know what to do!!!! I'm 28 now. I want love so badly. I've been single for 5 years now and I don't regret it at all because it's made me who I am but I really don't think I can hold out any longer. I've waited for love soooooo long and now I think it's here but it's so complicated. Why does everything in my life have to be so fucking complicated???? I thought I could stay strong and put on this independent woman who can live without a man image alot longer but I'm starting to get weak. I've let this person get into my heart, my head, all of me and my emotions are on a crazy roller coaster ride right now. I haven't felt this way since RA and I know there something different about this guy (like I haven't said that before) but I'm serious. The way I feel is different even from R.A. I feel more trusting to him then anyone. It's hard to tear down my wall and he's doing a damn good job of it. I have not slept with him either and that's another reason I know it's different. Usually sex complicates your emotions but the only thing we have done is kiss and it was a romantic one not lustful like it usually is. So I know he's not just trying to have a party in my panties because he's had plenty of opportunity and hasn't. I don't mean that as in I was being easy or anything. I mean that in a he's kept his distance to prevent that from happening because of circumstances. We've been talking for 8 months and at first it was just kinda fun ya know but now it's getting way deeper that that and I'm sinking. This is the toughest decision I've ever had to make "should I stay or should I go" Help!

I Haven't Written All Summer!!!

Music: Keane : Somewhere Only We Know


Wow! I haven't written all summer so I guess I'm going to kinda put it in a summary. So I kinda got on this music kick in the beginning of June and it's still there but kinda fizzled out a little. It's so funny because I always try to replace acting with something else to try to make it easier to accomplish a goal and acting always comes back into the picture. Been babysitting as usual and going home quite a bit. I saw a few good concerts this summer and I auditioned for American Idol again LOL. What a Loser! But while auditioning for AI I hung out with my old friend Armando who played Danny when I was in Grease. It was good to see him again and he kinda of put things in a new light for me and made me realize that I needed to focus on my career more than I have been. He lives in New Orleans and I'm going to visit him that last week of October. He's supposed to help me get a meeting with his agent but we'll see. I'm just happy to be going to New Orleans. Some weird feelings have surfaced for him and I'm not quite sure what they are but I'm not trying to stress myself out over it. I did get myself involved in something that it soooooo not good for me and in the typical Brandi fashion I can't let it go. I started talking to a guy I went to highschool with back in the day who is EXTREMELY talented and sexy and MARRIED! I won't even begin to tell you what else is going on with that situation. I don't know how to deal with this turn of events and I'm trying really hard to just take it step by step day by day but I've already started to care so it's not so easy to say Aurevoir. I also got in touch with Mandie and she's PREGNANT!!! I can't believe it. It's so weird. It's like all these people are moving forward with their life in that way and I still feel like the same ole me but better. I've met lots of new friends this summer ( I sound like a 15 year old who went to camp) and made lots of new connections. I got some kick ass pictures made and are having some more done in the next two weeks by an awesome photographer in Atlanta www.ronmacphoto.com

I started rehearsing with a band but it kinda fell apart. The drummer called me the other day and we are going to try and start things up again. My sister is PREGNANT too! So weird So weird. Even at 27 I can't imagine it. Just not something on my agenda at the moment. Even marriage scares the hell out of me now. Shivers! I however would like to have a relationship last longer than 3 months if at all possible. Think that's about all I can think to report besides the fact that I may go to NY in December to see my old friends. I hope it happens. Oh and Dora the Exploited showcased at SCAD last weekend and got good reviews. Ethan is entering it into the Savannah Film Festival so that's cool. I can't wait to see it myself. I got kinda down two days ago but I feel better now. I only write on here when I'm sad so I'm glad that a whole summer went by without me moping around!!! Until Next time........

New Poem

I’m holding on tight
but everything slips out of my hands
I realize I have no control

Stupid of me
to think I could transcend my fate
Immortal I am not
I want a free soul, a free mind
cleanse the evil, the hatred,
my ego

I’m like a shaky surgeon trying to perform an autopsy on myself.
Taking me apart bit by bit, piece by piece.
Analyzing what went wrong before and deciding on a cure
Uncertainty as to what medication to prescribe
what miracle mind drug needed to cure my disease

Always searching deep but trying to stay light
my intimidating aura a proven failure for connection
trying to slay the cynicism that creeps into my brain
Maintainting an optimistic smile
Keeping hope closed in a clenched fist
wanting the rain to pass me by
to feel the divine healing of the suns evanescent glow

Reinventing, rejuvenating, reincarnating,
my soul, my heart, my faith and my journey
My only weapon, resiliency to pain
wanting to break the spell of the past that stalks me
like a ravenous beast devouring its prey.

I kick and scream, gasping for air,
while it silently tears away at my flesh,
consumes my soul
its mission to extinguish the burning fire that keeps me alive

I am a warrior, a goddess, on a quest for peace within
Fighting a battle within myself I may never win
I’m a statue, standing strong, weathering the storm
hoping to crumble and find balance
trust and harmony
to at last become one

When will I ever become whole?

I'm really sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling like I'm missing an arm or a leg or something. I just want to be complete. I'm tired of floating around this earth like a lonely ghost not knowing what the fuck I want to do with my life. I'm mean I try, I really do. I go to the gym, read books all the time, paint, write poetry, started going back to mass, immerse myself in acting. I'm really taking the time out to find me but it's like I'm just running around in a circle. Everything is okay with Brandon but then again it's not. I feel like I'm losing interest again and I think mainly because he lives so far. It's hard to keep the connection. You know what I really want to do? If I could do just one thing in this life before I die it would be to go to Europe. I want that so bad. I just want to save up and surround myself with something new and different. Will I ever be whole? I just want my crazy monkey mind to stop terrorizing me with analyzing. I want to just be. I really need to take yoga up again. I have something that I just cant let go of either no matter how hard I try. Something in my past that is killing me. I really did some things that I regret and I wish I could just take them back but when you think you are in love you act desperate I guess. I want to apologize even though I think it's already been done. I still feel incomplete. I acted like a spoiled brat who didn't get her way and I wish I could take back my behavior. I'm embarassed by it. I know that I needed that heartbreak to toughen me up but I really got to let go I just don't know how. I'm trying hard though. Really hard. I just want peace within. I'm tired of fighting a war against myself.

Internal Struggle

A whole lot can happen in a months time. I don't know why I haven't been writing in my blog. I have lots to say but for some reason it doesn't come out as easily as it used to. Remember that guy Brandon I was talking about in my last post? Well we started dating but we aren't anymore. Well at least for the moment. It's partially my fault too. He had e-mailed me and from there it led to phone calls that lasted 5 hours to a trip to Charleston in which I treated him like crap. By the end of the Charleston trip we were okay with each other and we proceeded to talk on the phone every night. I loved talking to him over the phone. It was great over the phone but when I saw him in person something inside of me freaked out. He's really cute and sweet and a little dorky but I guess because he wasn't a guy that was going to treat me like shit I decided it wouldn't work out. He even drove the 4 hours from Atlanta to Savannah to stay with my while I was filming. That was great. We had lots of fun together but then the next weekend after finishing up filming in Savannah I drove to Atlanta to see him. This is where the story ends. I walked into his apartment and really freaked. He had pictures and pictures and pictures of his family and friends and all the kids he works with at the church. Why did this scare me so much? I literally could not warm up to him the whole time I was in Atlanta. I tried I really did but it was like there was this scream stuck inside of me that I wanted to let out and I couldn't. I have many issues we all know but this takes the cake. What the fuck is wrong with me? Of course the fact that he is so spiritual intimidates me a little. He's still cool to hang out with. He doesn't throw it in your face or anything. He drinks and even smokes, knows how to dress, I mean he's not a complete religious nerd or anything. His only problem was moving too fast when I told him to slow it down. It scared the piss out of me and now I see what it was like when I dated a certain someone and became controlling and pushy. What goes around comes around huh? I felt the fear. It's not that I didn't like him but I treated him like poo. I kept cutting him down the whole time I was in Atlanta and it was all subconscious. He's one of those guys that wants to wait till he knows a relationship has potential to develop into something meaningful before having sex. Maybe that's what killed it. I'm a horndog. I thrive on sexual energy and that ufortunatley is something that makes me fall for someone which is crazy. So I'm learning a great lesson from all of this. If I'm going to be with someone I have to be whole because I can't give myself to anyone until I figure out what it is I want. This acting thing is another problem. Part of me wants to pursue it somewhere else like L.A or NY again but part of me doesn't. Part of me would be happy staying in the southeast as long as I was working. At what point do you compromise for love? I'm so damn confused and of course when we stop talking I want to be with him even more. Typical Brandi behavior. I want what I can't have. Another part of me was dissapointed because he's not artsy or creative but his soul is beautiful and that's what really attracts me the most. You know what I keep fucking doing too is comparing him to Ryan. WHY? I don't even want to be with him anymore I just wish we could be civil to one another. I'm passed that phase but things about Ryan I really liked. I liked how different he was and that we had so many common interests. I guess I have to think that Brandon is different in his own way too. I mean he really is special and now I can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to give up something good. I feel like God put us together for a reason and I'm praying my heart out for him to help me figure out what I'm feeling. I do have to say that God must think alot of me to bring a person like him into my life. He sent me roses for godsake! I know that if it is going to workout I have to figure out if I want to go to L.A and further pursue acting. I'm heading out there the first week of June hopefully to stay with Connie for a week. I want this internal struggle resolved. It's driving me insane and making me break out and we can't have that now can we? I'm headed to mass in the morning to do some serious praying. *Can't wait to catch up T.

ATL

I'm back from the ATL. I had a great time. I filmed "Freakin Funny" on Saturday. It was fun but I had this massive zit, well at least to me it was massive so I kept being insecure about it. Sunday I went to church with Jennifer (lady I stay with while in ATL) and it was Episcopalian. I didn't really like it too much. Guess I'm Catholic all the way. I was thinking the whole time that this is bootleg Catholic. Ha Ha! Jennifer is trying to set me up with this guy that is the youth director at her church. He's like my age and his name is Brandon. Brandi and Brandon. Cute! NO! She gave him my e-mail address. I'm going to kill her. I'm just not into dating anyone right now. Is that so wrong? Monday I had an audition for a feature film called The Beautiful Ordinary. I auditioned for the part of a hippie teacher. I felt like I did a good job! I think it's going to be filmed in Wilmington, NC. That's where they film One Tree Hill and Surface. I did this promotional modeling thing last night at The Charleston Place Hotel for the Chrysler Corporation. I had to be a hostess. I got paid 45 bucks an hour plus they bought me a 150.00 dress. I can't beat that. Anyway things are okay. My sister is doing really bad. She's very emotional and I wish I could get to the bottom of her problems but she won't open up to me. I have that stressing me out but I'm putting my faith in God that he will show me the way to help her. Oh and if you get a chance read my blog on myspace. I posted a speech by Nelson Mandela that is very inspiring.