Trying To Fix Myself !!!!!

Music: "Fix You" Cold Play(this song fits)

So I have been writing in here alot but I have alot on my mind. Like I said before. This is the best therapy for me. So I have learned alot this week about love and what it means to love someone. I realized alot of things about myself. I've been crazy over someone for almost two years although we didn't date that long. Whatever happened in the short amount of time we spent with each other really made an impact on me more than it ever has with anyone. Because this person represented so many things I saw in myself I immediately fell for him. Same drive, same passion, same beliefs, same personality, style. Just many similarities. Many people who were acquainted with him told me to stay away. He was trouble. I did not listen. I was sure that I saw something they did not see in him. I saw a sweet, caring, talented person who maybe hid what he was feeling inside behind a beautiful smile. He seemed so sad but I could never pinpoint what it was all about. I'm a fixer. Meaning I think that I have the ability to fix everything, make everyone happy which I finally have learned noone has the ability to do but that person who needs fixing. I discovered this because I needed fixing and I maybe still do but I'm working on it. I stayed in my first serious relationship so long because although this person was killing me I cared about him and I thought I could put a band-aid on all his boo boo's and make everything better. Not to mention the fact I was scared to death of him. I realized that I'm letting all of these men that come into my life treat me like crap because I've never had one treat me the way I should be treated. I don't know what that is supposed to feel like. I thought I was done with letting guys run over me after seeing my parents relationship. I thought I had broken the cycle but I had not. I was still repeating my mother's behavior but in a different way. I was still learning and not realizing it. This last person I dated treated me like crap and although I knew it wasn't right I kept thinking he'll change. He's just going through a bad phase right now because of things that happened to him in his past. He needs time so I gave it to him. Any other girl would have already said "See Ya" but I hung in their because I believed in my heart that it could work because I loved him. I read this book the other night that really made the light bulb come on. This person made me feel so guilty for caring about him that I thought their was something really wrong with me. Am I too clingy? get too attatched? Am I being too pushy? I didn't know what I was doing because when I would ask the response I would get is that everything is fine. In fact their really was no response. The communication sucked and I wonder now why I put myself through that a second time.

So the conclusion I've come to is that all the things I did for this person, all the care I had really was love. I was patient with him, wanted to be there for him no matter what. It was selfless love until I started to be pushed away and then my selfish side came out and I got desperate for his attention. The things he did was not love. Everything revolved around him, his schedule, his life, what he was dealing with. I was just there when he felt like calling. Why did it take me so long to realize this? I'm so naive that when he told me he needed time apart to heal I believed him. He said he needed to be alone. Well I found out a few days ago that he did not need to be alone. He was starting to date someone just as we were ending. He did the same thing to me last time. When I started to sense something was up I confronted him about it but he just looked at me like I was crazy and made me feel like crap for even bringing it up. He said "trust me, I'm being honest with you". He was a freakin liar. I give people the benefit of the doubt way too much. If I have any trust issues what so ever it's because of this last ordeal. So yes it hurts like crazy to know I meant nothing but it also helps me to finally realize I was not the one with the issues. I was just a nice girl who wanted a good relationship with someone. All summer long I'm thinking he's all alone dealing with his problems and we will eventually be reunited. I wasted my energy on him and I'm done. I got burned, I learned my lesson for next time. I started to lose my self worth for awhile thinking I was unloveable or something. I know I'm an attractive girl with a big heart and lots of love to give to someone who deserves it from me. I have alot going for me and I'm tired of feeling I'm behind everyone else because I'm not. I am the one who hindered myself from happiness and I'm not doing it anymore. I don't want to be jaded anymore because I have been extremely bitter about dating anyone else because I am scared the samething will happen again. I will never tell another guy how I feel unitl he tells me first. I am going to have a huge lock on my heart and when the right person comes along I will give up the key. You know my first reaction on hearing about this other girl he was dating was hurt and then anger. I'm still angry but it will subside. All I wanted to do was go to his house and tell him off but then I thought "for what"? So he can just look at me like I'm completely psycho again. Will it really do me any good to let him know he got to me? No! So I just punched a few pillows and I'm writing this to get my agression out. It's so funny because I used to put him so high on this pedestal and now I look at him and he doesn't look so good anymore. He's just a sad little boy who really needs to grow up and gain some courage. The funny part is that after all he's put me through I still have a soft spot for him and I probably always will. I will find a great guy who I deserve and I'm certain of it because I think this is the biggest lesson that God wanted me to learn before he was going to let that happen for me. I know this was long but I feel like a million times better for writing all that down. I also want to thank my friends for trying to get all this through my thick skull. Your breath was not wasted. It may have taken me awhile to realize but I did and life goes on!!!!!