Still In My Heart

Music: Mozella: Light Years Away

It's so funny how badly someone can hurt you and how big of an effect it can have on you. God it's been months now, months since I have talked to R.A. I haven't spoken to him since June. I am okay now of course. I mean I'm not as depressed as I was before. I love my job and I have plans to move sometime soon if I can get it together. I have a great group of friends who really care about me and who I have been acting the fool with lately. Tonight will be one of those nights. Halloween Party. "Nuf said". But my whole point is you try so hard to get on with your life but there are always those little reminders of that person. A song will come on the radio and remind me of him immediately. For example The Talking Heads. It's always on the radio and he pops into my head right when the sound waves hit my ears. I can watch a movie and right away the two of us have become the lead characters. The Notebook is a good example of what I mean. I can't get through that movie without the thought of him. So if you want to know the truth he's pretty much everywhere I go. I walk into a store and see a shirt that is his style and I think automatically that it would look good on him. Or I see a movie or hear a song that I know he would love and I want so badly to tell him about it but I know I can't. That's what kills me the most. I lost a friendship. I often wonder if this is normal to feel this way. To keep thinking of someone like this even after it is said and done. I wonder if maybe it's just because I'm not dating anyone at the moment and I'm trying to fill that void or am I just holding on for the sake of holding on? There is no doubt about it. I miss him like crazy. I would love to talk to him and see how he is doing but I've already reached out to him and there is really nothing more I can do until it gets close to stalking him. I just wonder if there is more to this. Why does his memory stay with me? I think I have made it clear that I have never felt like this before about anyone. It's just that feeling that you know is different and so strong. I've just never felt so close to someone and then again so far away. It's just crazy. So I am moving. My plans are to visit L.A for Christmas break and see how I like it. I'm still very fond of the Big Apple and that's where my heart is but I've never been to L.A so I want to give it a fair chance before I make my decision. It's time for a change. Life is such a big lesson. The more I live it the more I learn and then I think to myself. Why did I act like that or do this or do that? You can't change the past, all you can do is learn from it. My birthday is right around the corner. November 8th. I will be 27!! Can you believe it? 27. I don't feel 27 so I guess that's a good thing. I still feel 15. I will always be young at heart. Well I've got to go get my Halloween costume together. I am going to be a movie star! Well what else would I be?