Insomniac

Music: Suzanne Vega "Tom's Diner"


I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!!! For three days now. And I don't know why I'm listening to Tom's Diner but it goes with the crazy ass mood I'm in. Tonight is not so bad though because I passed out at 9:00 and just woke up. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday night no sleep. Maybe two hours. If I could remove my brain from my head this week I would be all good. Way too many changes for me in one week so I'm coping the best way I know how. Today was my last day at work. Very emotional day but a change needed to happen. Those are my little babies and it's hard to know I can't see them everyday anymore. I will visit quite often. I'm still going to sub. and babysit so it's okay. Tomorrow I start my new job at My Gym. I'm so nervous but excited. Connie is moving to L.A on Monday. I'm not going to realize she is gone until next week when I go to call her and ask her if she wants to go to Atlanta Bread and she's not going to be here. I got a lot of things off of my chest to a certain someone that were burdening me this week so that's a relief. I'm struggling with letting go. It's so freakin hard. Why can't I just do it? I just want it to get out of my mind so I can focus on other things. I'm just following the light in front of my path and trusting it to lead me to higher ground. I feel like I'm in a dream right now. It's so weird. Nothing is stable anymore. Everything is all changing. Where is my middle C? People grow old, Babies grow up, people grow apart, towns change, things change all around you but middle C will always be the same note. It will never change. I'm looking at everything right now and it's at this point when things get weird. This time in my life. I'm trying to build my strength to face all the change. Growing up is so weird. I feel like a wise old owl now. Like I've finally lived a little life by this point but I have so much more to look forward to. I feel like this week I have really been held by the hand of a higher power. My actions this week were pushed by something stronger than myself and my eyes opened to the power of forgiveness. You can't restore your soul until you learn this lesson. Holding on to negativity only makes the empty spot in my stomach grow bigger and bigger. I also learned that you can never get complete closure with someone especially after you cared a lot about them. I got all the closure I can from him at the moment and the rest is up to me to deal with on my own. I have to say that I am proud of myself for handling things the way I have this week. I learned the greatest lessons about what love really is this week. So change is good. At first it's a little scary but who knows what I'm going to encounter in the next year. I'm excited because I know lots of cool things are going to take place and I will just keep growing and growing from them. I know one thing though. My ass is going to L.A for new years. Connie you better have the couch ready! We are going to party like it's 1999.