Yes Virginia There really is a Santa Clause!

Music: Peanuts "Charlie Brown Christmas" and other Christmas songs

Every year around this time I get that tickle in my heart. It's hard to really explain that magical feeling that transforms my mind into that of a five year old child. I get giddy and happy and EXCITED!! I feel a sense of hope for not only myself but for the world around me. Christmas! I get the Christmas Spirit! It's almost that same feeling you get when your in love. For that moment in time nothing really matters. You have not a care in the world, a free spirit emerges and the ability to fly becomes a possiblity. Santa Clause is a god like figure when you are a child. You believe deep down in your heart that he really is watching you and that if you don't stay in his good graces then you will awaken to a stocking filled with coal. But if you are a good little girl or boy your living room can magically become Toys R Us overnight. Although I may have not had the best childhood ever, my parents still made Christmas the most memorable time in my life. Growing up in a house full of children made it even more spectacular. We would wake up at the crack of dawn and wake our parents. My Dad would always guard the entrance to the living room so we couldn't get a sneak preview of the gifts before they were ready to start the morning. My parents would sit on the couch with their coffee while we crazily tore open our gifts. It was so much fun and I always felt loved on those beautiful Christmas mornings. Now that I am older things have changed within our usual family structure. Old traditions will be broken this year. We no longer communicate with my Aunt, Uncle, or cousins because of ridiculous circumstances. Strong personalities are butting heads and their is nothing I can do to change that. My Grandmother is in a nursing home and has dimentia and cannot familarize herself with us any longer. Last year she remembered us all and couldn't wait for us to open our gifts from her. It's amazing what one whole year can do. This year will be different but my sense of Christmas spirit will still stay in tact. I believed in Santa Clause until I was eleven years old. My parents snicker when I bring it up but I've come to believe that this shows just how big I can dream. I can say that I pretty much knew he wasn't real when I was eight but I held on to the belief that he really existed. My dreams were shattered when my Mom and Dad's big secret was revealed but it never really changed anything for me. Because, you see, I held on to that hope, that magic, that Santa was really out there somewhere. Well, he really does exist. He lives deep down in my heart and he will be there for a long time to come.

Gluing my heart back together

Music: Pearl Jam "In Hiding"

Joy! Love! Happiness! All my feelings at this very moment. I went to see my babies at O'Quinn today and was greeted with neverending hugs and kisses. "I miss you, Miss. Brandi", "Where did you go"?, "Will you come babysit me?" All the questions I was asked when I visited this morning. I can't explain my love for these children. I love all of them. I miss them like crazy. I'm really not digging my new job. I know now that it's time to look for something else and that something else is a teaching job. I want to teach. I think that is the only other thing in life that will make me happy besides acting and if I can teach drama then I will be most happy. I'm taking that gre exam in February and I think I want to go to grad school for english or maybe education. I also have the idea to go out to L.A when I can afford it and maybe stay for two weeks and audition for stuff just to see what happens and to get it out of my system. I'm still dating the one guy and his name is Rick. I've been on a few other dates with some other guys but he still is the one on my mind. I think I'm starting to fall and I'm scared. He calls me more than once a week which is a huge plus and I don't know. There is just something about him that is starting to get to me now. Funny how that happens. So far he's a really great guy. I'm seeing him tonight. I invited him to my Christmas party at work so it makes a big impression on me that he wants to come. We've been taking it slow and slow is good. I see that now. I know that I have talked endlessly about my love for R.A on here and how hurt I was but all I have to say is God definitely knows what he is doing. Tiffy said that "God wouldn't make broken hearts if he didn't know how to fix them" and she was right. I was so angry that it didn't work out between us because I wanted it so badly but now I see that he was not the person for me at all. I finally made amends with him over the last few weeks. We talked and smoothed things over and now I can say that we are friends. I will always care about him of course. That goes for anyone who has come into my life whether they have wronged me or not. But now my feelings of love have become something different. Now we just have an understanding and I hope that we can keep our friendship. I took an acting class taught by his Mother about two weeks ago and she gave me a book called "Wilderness" by Jim Morrison. It's a collection of his poems. She is a sweet, kind, talented women and that gesture suddenly made everything okay for me. I talked to Ryan and we both agreed how ridiculous it was that we weren't talking to each other and suddenly the clouds all cleared and the sun shone through and I finally felt at peace to move on with my life and give someone else a chance to love me.

Imagine

Music: Lots of John Lennon and The Beatles

I get bored I don't know. I am 32 flavors and then some. Boys,Boys,and Boys. What to do with all these boys? Somebody help me. I am so confused. I have to admit this is so much fun though. Went on a date Monday night. Horrible. Horrible. The guy was an A&F model wannabe but had nothing upstairs. No chemistry whatsoever. Then he had the nerve to ask for seperate checks. I was outta there. I have another date on Sunday night. Little nervous about this one but we'll see. Still seeing that one guy from my hometown but he travels alot so we haven't spent alot of time together. I think he is way too comfortable with me and I don't know about that. I got asked out by a guy in the acting class I took over the weekend. That was a definite No. Nice guy but well....I would have to explain that one in person. Today is the 25th anniversary of John Lennon's death. I did a scene in the acting class about it. John Lennon was a beautiful person. I want to find someone like him. I want to be Yoko. Just kidding. Such a good heart he had ya know? I used to sit at the "Imagine" memorial in Central Park and just reflect on things. It was my favorite spot to eat lunch. I have a really cool pic I took of it but I can't find it anywhere. Well I would like to leave you with a quote by John Lennon "

"I'd never met a woman I considered as intelligent as me. That sounds big-headed, but every woman I met was either a dolly-chick, or a sort of screwed-up intellectual chick. And of course, in the field I was in, I didn't meet many intellectual people anyway. I always had this dream of meeting an artist, an artist girl who would be like me. And I thought it was a myth, but then I met Yoko and that was it." - John Lennon

"You can't cheat kids. If you cheat them when they're children they'll make you pay when they're sixteen or seventeen by revolting against you or hating you or all those so-called teenage problems. I think that's finally when they're old enough to stand up to you and say, 'What a hypocrite you've been all this time. You've never given me what I really wanted, which is you." - John Lennon

"If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or my music, then in that respect you can call me that...I believe in what I do, and I'll say it." - John Lennon

"Living is easy with your eyes closed..." - John Lennon

Nothing will stop me, and whether I'm here or wherever I may be, I'll always have the same feelings, I'll say what I feel." - John Lennon

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now? Reality leaves a lot to the imagination." - John Lennon

Superstar

I finished my acting workshop today. It was so awesome. I learned so much and I'm thirsty for more. I love acting. I love it! Why can't I do this for a living? Why? I'm such a better actress then I used to be and I'm dying to get up onstage. It's where I belong. I want to learn all that I can and still keep learning. Tiffany, come down here and lets start our own acting company. I felt like I was at the Academy again. It was sooo soooo soooo soooo much fun!! BTW Georgia beat LSU 34-13 or something like that. We are off to the sugar bowl. Gotta love them dawgs!!!