Still In My Heart

Music: Mozella: Light Years Away

It's so funny how badly someone can hurt you and how big of an effect it can have on you. God it's been months now, months since I have talked to R.A. I haven't spoken to him since June. I am okay now of course. I mean I'm not as depressed as I was before. I love my job and I have plans to move sometime soon if I can get it together. I have a great group of friends who really care about me and who I have been acting the fool with lately. Tonight will be one of those nights. Halloween Party. "Nuf said". But my whole point is you try so hard to get on with your life but there are always those little reminders of that person. A song will come on the radio and remind me of him immediately. For example The Talking Heads. It's always on the radio and he pops into my head right when the sound waves hit my ears. I can watch a movie and right away the two of us have become the lead characters. The Notebook is a good example of what I mean. I can't get through that movie without the thought of him. So if you want to know the truth he's pretty much everywhere I go. I walk into a store and see a shirt that is his style and I think automatically that it would look good on him. Or I see a movie or hear a song that I know he would love and I want so badly to tell him about it but I know I can't. That's what kills me the most. I lost a friendship. I often wonder if this is normal to feel this way. To keep thinking of someone like this even after it is said and done. I wonder if maybe it's just because I'm not dating anyone at the moment and I'm trying to fill that void or am I just holding on for the sake of holding on? There is no doubt about it. I miss him like crazy. I would love to talk to him and see how he is doing but I've already reached out to him and there is really nothing more I can do until it gets close to stalking him. I just wonder if there is more to this. Why does his memory stay with me? I think I have made it clear that I have never felt like this before about anyone. It's just that feeling that you know is different and so strong. I've just never felt so close to someone and then again so far away. It's just crazy. So I am moving. My plans are to visit L.A for Christmas break and see how I like it. I'm still very fond of the Big Apple and that's where my heart is but I've never been to L.A so I want to give it a fair chance before I make my decision. It's time for a change. Life is such a big lesson. The more I live it the more I learn and then I think to myself. Why did I act like that or do this or do that? You can't change the past, all you can do is learn from it. My birthday is right around the corner. November 8th. I will be 27!! Can you believe it? 27. I don't feel 27 so I guess that's a good thing. I still feel 15. I will always be young at heart. Well I've got to go get my Halloween costume together. I am going to be a movie star! Well what else would I be?

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

Music: "So Long And Thanks For All The Fish"-Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy



I think it's so funny that in my last blog I'm whining about the meaning of life and then I saw "The Hitchikers Guide To The Galaxy" and in the very beginning here are these cute little dolphins singing about it. In fact the whole film was about the subject. It's a new concept for me. When I was younger I didn't ponder on the meaning of my existence which led me to a simple conclusion. I think I figured it out. When you are young you don't think about things like that so I need to have the same mentality. Kids are just living and soaking up every moment and that is exactly what I need to do. I have been wondering if I am cut out for this new job of mine. I'm teaching children gymnastics skills. I never thought I would be doing that but I surprised myself. I'm beginning to see the difference in the confidence of the children and even in my own confidence. I have to get up in front of all these parents and teach and it's very overwhelming but I'm becoming alot more comfortable the more I do it. I was thinking about quitting and getting a new job but then I got really sick last week and had sometime to think about things. I have not been taking very good care of myself. I have been eating lots of crap, not taking vitamins, not working out as much and thats why I got sick. I've been letting my apt. get so messy and not even having the desire to clean. I thought about all of this and then it dawned on me. I am making a huge difference in these childrens lives. I still want to pursue acting so I thought hey, I can easily transfer with my new job. Easily. I just need to learn the ropes and then I can move back to NYC or even head out to LA if I want to. The job is helping me work on my self-esteem and by December I should be totally fine with public speaking. Acting on stage is different than this because you have lines and your a different person than yourself. I'm learning to be comfortable in my own skin through this job. I started working out again and I feel ten times better. I have so much more energy. Life is so much easier to live when you have something to work towards, a goal to obtain. So I'm ready to do it. I'm ready to get out there and make something happen.

Life is like a dream

Music: Jamie Cullum "Singin In The Rain" (This album is awesome!!!)


Today I lived life like a dream, really. I walked around today in a trance. I felt like I was a ghost and noone could see me. It was the weirdest feeling, like I did'nt exist. My mind has been swimming in a sea of thoughts lately and today it chose to take the form of a dream like state. I've been doped up on anitbiotics for the past few days so I think it's starting to wear me down and make me crazy. So what have I been thinking about lately you ask? My purpose in life. What is my purpose on this planet? Why the hell am I here? I've been asking myself what the hell I'm doing here in Charleston? I've come to the conclusion that sweating the small stuff is trivial and that I really need to do something with my life that makes ME happy. So I'm not going to ignore my bills but I'm not going to let them take over my life either. I'm going to die someday and I personally would rather not spend my time on earth worrying about how I'm going to pay my student loans. I only get one chance in this life and I want to be a risk taker. So my impulse says to move away and continue to follow my dreams. I don't want to be a chicken shit anymore. I contradict myself on this blog all the time and I probably seem very what's the word "ambiguous"? Uncertain. But it's the truth. I am uncertain. I am confused and this just documents it. All I know is I can't do anything else. This is it. This is what I have to do so I'm just going to have to figure it out. I just saw "Elizabethtown". Good Movie! I really liked it. Films always make me think and this one really did. So I fell off the horse once, it's time to get back on old Trigger and head out west or maybe North? I'll let Trigger show me the way!

New York State Of Mind

Music: Billy Joel "New York State Of Mind"

Okay so here I go again!!! I've been thinking. I am getting seriously bored here. I feel it's time for a change. There is that whole money issue however but that can be helped if I work my ass off. I miss NY so much. I really want to go back. I have the opportunity to move to L.A but I don't think I will like it so much. New York has nostalgia for me. I'm super sentimental about it. I miss Central Park. I miss the subway. I miss the awesome shopping. I miss all the take out. I miss the shows. I miss the people. I miss the snow believe it or not. I miss the eccentric atmosphere of the city. I miss going to St.Patricks. I miss the feeling that you have deep in your soul like something is going to happen. I always had that feeling in NY. Excitement like something was waiting for me around the corner. I miss getting coffee and walking around the city just chatting. I miss the Lyric and late nights there with friends. I miss my friends from the Academy. I miss Missy, Marcie, Sammy, Tiff, even Stavroula. I miss the kids I used to babysit for all the time. OH MY GOD!!! I MISS NY!!!! I have to figure something out. I have to figure out what it is I want. I'm tired of searching for it. I just need to do it. There has got to be a way. I took it for granted while I was there. You never know what you have until it's gone. I'm all about signs and I've been give some over the past few days. One example is that I got invited to go see a show to benefit Hurricane Katrina. I didn't know anything about it until I looked it up on the internet and found out that a certain person would be there. I didn't know if I should go or not and of course curiosity was killing me. I prayed my heart out the night before and asked God to give me a sign to let me know if I should go or not. The friend I was supposed to go with got really sick and couldn't go. There was my answer. So then guess what? I got sick. I've been sick for 3 days but it has given me time to think about what I want and there ya go. All I know is I've got to get this figured out before I go crazy. Anybody want to move to NY??????

Attack of The Flying Killer Cockroach part II

Oh My God!!!!!!!!!! Last night I went out with some friends and had a few beers. I got home about 1:00 I guess. I go in the bathroom and start washing my face look up and there is an enormous roach above the door. That bitch was like 5 inches long no joke. Of course I jumped out of my skin and screamed as loud as I could and ran to the other room. All I had was hairspray so I started spraying the fucker with it. He fell off the wall and then I couldn't find him. I closed the door and stuffed a towel at the bottom of the door so he couldn't get through the crack. I slept with the light in my bedroom on for fear that he would somehow get in my room and attack me. This morning I slowly opened the bathroom door. I had a broom in my hand figuring I would smash him with it if he came at me. I had left some clothes on the bathroom floor and I used the end of the broom to slowly pick them up and make sure he wasn't hiding in there. I turned around and there he was looking at me. Once again I jumped about 10 feet away and slammed the door. Okay I am pathetic. I am so damn afraid of these assholes. I call my mom and whine to her and she's like what do you want me to do? I don't know just be there for support. This is traumatic for me damnit. I decide to go to the drugstore and get some RAID! It says on the can that it "kills bugs on contact". Alright this is the stuff I need. I slowly walk upstairs like it's an alien in my house or something. I slowly open the door and just start spraying like a mad woman. I'm so scared it's going to fly at me so I slam the door again. I go in my room and freak out some more and then I get the courage to see what damage I have done. I opened the door and hear the rustle of wings. EEEEEWWWW!! There he is kicking and screaming for mercy on the floor. YUCK!!! I want to vomit I swear. So now he is dead and now I have to gather the courage to sweep him up and flush him down the toilet. If somebody had a hidden camera on me and watched me in roach killing action they would laugh there ass off. I probably act like there is a serial killer in my house or something. Moral to this story. When you are alone you are forced to face your fears. I had noone to turn to in this situation. I even went to the office of the complex I live in to see if there was some big man to come kill it for me but noone was working. I had to suck it up and take care of it on my own and I did. I hate roaches. I'm scared to death of them but I killed the little bastard on my own. Oh I'm pathetic. Ha Ha!!

Hair Color

Music: "Bad Reputation" Joan Jett

What is it with hair color? Okay I colored my hair darker to match my natural color. I have a few blond highlights in it. It looks really cool. Anyhow I feel so womanly now. How come haircolor can change the way you feel? It is so weird. Whenever I am blond I feel like a little girl but when I'm a brunette I feel so much stronger. I look like Vivien Leigh in Gone With The Wind. As soon as I get a pic I will post it. I was talking to my friend Callie and I said "Why do men love blonds?" What is it with blond hair? I was worried that I would'nt get any more stares from men b/c I know longer have the blonde. Then Callie said something very interesting. She said maybe now you'll attract the right kind of guy. Made me think. I'll either attract them or scare them half to death. I probably look ten times more intimidating now but Oh Well! I"ll let ya know how it goes. Wish I had someone putting flowers on my car like some other people I know.

A Song For Me

I heard this song by Kelly Clarkson on the way to work this morning. This song describes everything I am feeling right now. It gave me chill bumps. Here are the lyrics:

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You Lyrics

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

My Posts! Interesting.....

Everyone that knows me knows I adore Rachel Weisz. I check her website from time to time to keep up with her career. Someone bashed her on the boards about her decision to appear nude on film. I got fired up and posted something. Thought I would post it here. I'm going to go see "The Constant Gardener" tonight. It should be great. I saw "Serenity" the other night. It was freaking awesome. I'm hooked on it. I want to see the "Firefly" series now. My inner dorkdom is dying to be released.

Here is the post.

okay first of all I want to say I think Rachel is awesome. I totally admire her and think she is an amazing actress. That said I also think she is one of the finer talents out there and her choices in roles are very intelligent. She is very lucky in the respect that she is not exactly a household name but her work is highly respected. She can still enjoy life without the media hounding her, at least I think she can. As far as nudity goes, I want those opposing her decision to appear nude to think about a few things. If clothes were not invented we would all be running around naked. Children run around naked because they have no shame. They are beautiful and in the moment. They haven't been brainwashed by the rules of society. Also if you are an actress and you are going to become a character,a totally different person from yourself, then you have to take on the habits and quirks of the person you are playing. To make something real then you need to make your character a reality and that just might mean you need to appear nude, if you have the guts, which apparently Rachel has. Courage and a belief in your art and the statement you are making is all that matters. Adam and Eve ran around naked until Eve ate the apple and they realized they were naked. Real people walk around their homes with no clothes, real people have sex, real people do very private things in their homes and if you are going to play a REAL person then you may have to take on their habits. This is why acting(if it's done right) is an Art. It's going to be controversial,it's going to be loved it's going to be hated and if your an artist you have to believe in your work and take a risk knowing it may or may not touch someone. Of course their are limitations. You don't want to become so real that you murder someone if you are playing a serial killer or something but I think most of you can understand what I'm trying to say in this post. So anyway this whole topic just fueled me to write this because I myself am an actress and I'm about to do a nude scene and I fully believe in what I am doing and I understand Rachel's decisions to appear nude in her films. Instead of seeing the sexual side of nudity open your mind to the beauty of it. Just one more thought. If we were all running around naked then we couldn't really judge each other by what clothes we were wearing. I wouldn't know if the person next to me was a Gucci wearing millionaire or a regular Joe wearing clothes from Goodwill.