Dark Day

Music: Halycon "Orbital"


I had to do something I did not want to do today. I had to be somewhere I did not want to be. I had to help a friend go through something that to me would seem traumatic and life changing. I can't explain the thoughts that ran through my head as I sat in this place waiting on my friend. I felt so strange. I'm sitting in a lobby reading a book and in the next room something so sureal is taking place in the next room. My stomach is in knots. My whole perception of the future totally turned around in a few hours. What is life? Is it that easily discarded? taken away? Are the choices we make really that important to where life and death becomes an issue? I'm so confused right now. I don't know what my feelings are anymore. Does a birthday really change you that much? I feel like a different person today. I've never been good at dating God knows and now I'm dating more than one person and I don't know if I can handle it. I feel like someone is going to get hurt in the end and I don't want to be the person that hurts them. This is going to sound totally cliche but I feel like I'm just a pretty girl to these guys. I don't feel like they really like me for what's inside. I want someone who can get deep inside my soul and discover all the quirks that I have and still like me. I don't even know if I want to date. I've been alone so long that I'm so used to it. Now I feel like these guys are invading my space. I feel so claustrophobic. I'm scared for anyone to get close to me. I'm scared to let them in. I've only really let one person in before and well you know the rest. I'm stubborn, dramatic, I shut down alot when I'm overwhelmed with emotion, I can be a real pain in the ass but I'm also smart, caring,passionate, driven and unique but I feel like noone wants to see that in me. They just want me there to get out of me what they want and that's it. Today was just rough for me. I don't mind being a rock for everyone but I need my own rock to lean on sometime. This tough girl thing is getting old.

Balancing Act

Music: Death Cab For Cutie " Movie Script Ending"


It's getting better and better! Life that is! Patience is a virtue although I'm not very good at being patient. I'm dating and dating but only one guy has really kept my attention at the moment. Thanksgiving was great. I ate alot and probably gained 5lbs but I will work it off. I broke my toe when I was home. I fell down the stairs. I don't really know how I did it but I did and my toe is black and blue and it hurts like hell. Saturday night we got a big platter of chicken fingers and a 12 pack of bud light and watched the game. My dawgs triumphed over Georgia Tech 14-7. They will play LSU in the SEC championship on Saturday. I have more great news. I auditioned for a play called "Amadeus" about 2 weeks ago. I never heard anything so I figured I didn't get cast. There were parts for 3 females and 12 males. When I got home from work today there was an e-mail that said "you're invited to join the cast of Amadeus, rehearsals start tommorow night at 8" I can't believe it. Hurray!! I'm taking this acting workshop thing this weekend. I'm excited about that because it's been so long since I've taken an acting class. So yea things are good at the moment. I still have the regular issues like family and one of my friends is in a bad situation but other than that things are looking up. It all balances out in the end. I still haven't seen Rent. I want to see it so bad. Maybe this weekend. Aurevoir

The Great Date!

Music: Switchfoot "Stars"

So I had my date last night. It was great! There is definetly some chemistry. How weird is this? The guy I went out with last night went to the same highschool I went to and lived on the same street I grew up on and I never even knew him. He's six years older than me so we would have never gone to school at the same time. I had so much fun last night, so much. We have alot in common. He has traveled the world already and he plays guitar. Big plus in my book. He seems very sweet and guess what he called me today to tell me he had a great time last night and he wants to see me again before I go home for Thanksgiving. That's a first. Guess I'm so used to the assholes. I really hope he doesn't turn out to be an asshole. How weird is this? We went to this tapas bar and the ex's parents sat right beside us. Strange. How random is that? My mom called me this morning to ask about the date and I told her we went to a tapas bar and she thought I said topless bar. She was like "you went where"? Leave it to my Mom. On the negative side I'm still apprehensive about dating. I'm a true scorpio. very secretive. I don't like revealing much of myself at first so I think he was kind of wondering if I was into him or not. It will take sometime for me to trust you. I'm taking this thing slow and I'm gonna keep dating around. I'm not going to settle. I'm too scared to fall in love again. I'm just going to take it step by step and see what happens. Step by step oooh baby.....just kidding. Just had a New Kids flashback. My dawgs beat the mess out of Kentucky!!!45-13 Go Dawgs!!! Oh and Tiff, since your the only one who reads this, this guy lived in Cincinatti until 4th grade. He's gotta be okay. He's originally from Ohio:) Well back to reality in the morning. I work 8:30 until 7pm tommorow. Long ass day but I have Wed-Sun off. Can't wait to eat Turkey!! Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Lady bugs Catherine, lots and lots of ladybugs!

Music: Death Cab 4 Cutie "Heart is an Empty Room" (love this song)

I don't know if you remember that line from "Under the Tuscan Sun" but it's true. There crawling all over me. I have been asked out 3 times this week. Wow! So I have a date this weekend. We will see. I'm so scared that I'm going to turn into ambivalent Brandi. I hope not. I'm already freaking out if they call me. I'm like why are they calling me? They are not supposed to call until Thursday, why are they calling me on Wednesday? Then I think sorry you called to soon, 86 outta here. That's terrible. I'm way too cautious now. Not too much else going on. I'm trying to get through the book Wicked but I'm having some difficulty. I just can't get into it for some reason. I'm sure the musical is good but I can't get into the book. Maybe it will get better. I'm ready for Thanksgiving. I need a break from work. Trying to save for my trip to L.A. I can't wait to see Connalulu. We talked the other night and she was at a Lakers game. She saw my man Adam Sandler there. I'm so jealous. I love him. Well ta ta for now. Be Good!

Psycho

It's official. I'm psycho. Long story short. Was in a store. Kept feeling this weird feeling while in the store. Get in my car, drive around the store to leave and almost run into his car. He did not even look at me. Don't know if he knew it was me or not. Stupid Stupid Stupid girl that I am calls him to say "Hey I almost ran into you. Did you notice? Please someone just shoot me. I have issues. What would have happened if I would have stayed in the store 5 more minutes? Life is so weird. Can I scream now? AAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jaded

Aerosmith "Jaded"


Am I jaded? Am I bitter? I just wonder sometimes. I don't want to be but I think I am. Last night while dining at a Mexican restaurant with friends I noticed my behavior during the conversation. It always gravitates towards men for some reason and then I ravenously tear their species apart like a mad animal. Hmm? Stuff just flies out of my mouth without my consent. We started the discussion of Sorority girls and how we thought the whole concept was ridiculous and somehow I turned it into a weenie roast. My famous quote burst out of my mouth "All Men are Fuckers, I know some are different, but for the most part they are fuckers". Whoops! All the men at the table fell silent. One of the guys at the table is attracted to me and treats me with lots of respect. He is such a nice guy and there I go with my mouth. Wow! he said. Sorry to hear you feel that way. Have I let a few fuckers, two in particular, ruin my hope for a healthy, loving, relationship with a guy? Or do I have an Estella complex? Can it be that I have let my Mother's opinions and views on men influence my own way of thinking? Or is it true? "Guys just really are all fuckers". The question remains to be answered.

Positive Energy

I update my blog alot I realized but I have alot to say. Today was a really awesome day. I don't normally have really awesome days so I have to document this one. I just got off or work. I worked from 8:30 am until about 9:45 tonight. So your wondering how I could have an awesome day if all I have been doing is working. Well I taught a Waddlers class today which is of course the babies that have just started walking. I think it goes from like 11mos to 1 and 1/2 or something. Anyways I just felt like this Wow! factor. I just thought to myself...."look what I'm doing with these kids". We also had parents night out. This is the reason I worked so late today. I didn't have to stay. I could have gotten off of work at 6:30 but I chose to stay and play as I see it. Everybody is always telling me I have some kind of effect on children which I know I do but I never really realized fully until tonight. Children I don't know usually flock to me. Why I could'nt tell you. I think it's because I flirt with them. Not like you would with someone your attracted too or anything but in a different way. I gain their trust so to speak. Tonight I really saw what I guess would be described as my gift or talent. This one little girl was being such a (God forgive me:BRAT). She was biting teachers, hitting, just plain attitude. She's 5 years old. When a child displays this type of behavior I immediately pin it down to psychology. Something is not right with her outside of this place. I later learned she is the baby of three children but the middle child(her sister) is disabled. She can't walk or talk or do anything. Bingo! This little girl doesn't get the attention she needs at home. It's all going to the child with special needs. Solution to the problem. First I ignored her completely and then when she calmed down I eventually gained her trust. I took her in the other room and proceeded to make animals out of play-doh and wewatercolored. The first thing I did was write her name "Angel" on a piece of paper and decorate it with lots of color. "I made this for you" I said to her. "For me" she said. "Yes for you". Her eyes got so big. Thank You. I was her best friend the rest of the night. From that moment on she was a complete "Angel" (no pun intended) until she peed in her pants later. Another child who came in is 7 and overweight. He's taking the gym classes to help with his self-esteem. He is such a sweetheart too. Poor thing went to sit in a chair made for small children and fell out of it. Instead of making a big deal about it I just said something like "Don't lean back in the chair Silly". He just smiled and that was that. When he realized that his size was not an issue to me he became so confident around the other children and he had a great time the rest of the night. I could go on and on about the kids. His sister is 3. Shy as a little lamb. She wouldn't talk to me but she just wanted to hold my hand all night. And then there is Riley. She's 5. Looks just like my little sis Jayme. Riley has been so clingy in class. She loves me so much but it's hard to teach the class when she's hanging on my leg. She has a constant need for affection. I just found out that Riley's Dad died 2 months ago. It all makes sense now. So many different cases and I have helped all of them in so many ways. My problems seem minimal now. These children mean the world to me and I feel so ashamed of myself for being so self-centered about my happiness. God has given me so many talents and I have not been as grateful as I should be. Time to turn my negativety into positive energy.

My Birthday

Music: "What are you waiting for"- Gwen Stefani

I love the lyrics to this song. "What an amazing time, what a family, how did the years go by? Now it's only me".........Watcha waiting...watcha waiting..watcha waiting for? Life is short your capable...look at your watch now...your still a super hot female.....Take a chance you stupid ho!


My new theme song. Guys are fuckers for the most part. I know their are some guys who are different but for the most part they are fuckers!! You can quote me on that. I am a super hot female....I am ready to take on the world. My birthday was fantabulous. I went and had sushi with friends and then went to a bar called Henry's where there are a bunch of dirty old men. The guy playing guitar sang "Brandi You're a fine girl to me and I was in heaven. Guys were just gawking at me and telling me how gorgeous I was and I just said Thanks. Too bad your going home alone. I have a new outlook on life. I've got the looks, I've got the brains, I've got the talents. See you in the stars baby!!!!!

All Together Now

I had to add this wonderful story to my blog. I worked with this guy on a independent film. He is wonderful. This actually came from his blog and I hope he doesn't get upset that I'm posting it on mine. This is beautiful. Warms my heart. Gives me hope that I will have the kind of happiness they are so blessed to have :) Happy Reading.

All Together Now
She's been there. When I've been here. I've been there. And they've been here. We've been apart too much in this era.

So what do we do when Rebecca comes back from a trip to Seattle after being away from each other for too many days?

We knock her down while forcing her to play soccer with us.

After she professed that she's too old to fall down and after she tried to quit the game, I urged her to continue and said that, on the contrary, she fell down really well. "You fell well," I think I said.

It's true. People should fall down from time to time. It's good practice for advancing age.

There's nothing that I enjoy more in this life. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen.

When Rebecca laughs so hard that she cries.

She's a reserved, quiet person. Those who know her best can attest. It's not difficult to get her to smile. To chuckle. But it takes a special person, or event, to get her to laugh, really laugh.

She tries to hold back. I don't know why. She'll even cover her mouth. Why she just won't let it burst out immediately, I can't say. She'll build it up like a beaver dam. Her eyes fill up and her hand can't stifle the sound.

I'm smiling just thinking about the sight. When the dam bursts. It looks like she's crying. She can't speak. Her face turns a different color.

It happened yesterday when we were on a long hike in Rock Creek Park. After consulting a map we aimed to park at Picnic Area 7. We passed Area 6, then we same upon Area 8. How'd we miss 7? Wound up parking at Area 9, which was fine. That's where we had the soccer game and the tumble and the recovery. Then we went on our hike, avoiding horse poop, throwing rocks, jumping logs, not avoiding horse poop.

We came up on a parking lot that was fenced off with a portable trailer guarding the entrance. It was between Picnic Area 6 and 8. "Oh. That must been where Area 7 is," I remarked. And our youngest boy said something that was somewhat muffled. He apparently said, "That's why we couldn't find it."

But I thought...I actually thought...he said, "Asshole couldn't find it."

That got a big laugh from the boys...and a little laugh from Rebecca. She held back because she was a bit appalled that our standards have sunk so low with our children that we'll not only say words like asshole...we'll allow them to say it...within reason. Just in front of us...strictly limited use...and not in public...or in front of their grandparents.

She goes away for a few days and behold...rationalized linguistic havoc in her own family.

That led to a whole discussion about why I thought my own son had called me asshole. Which, of course, he didn't. But that's what I thought I heard. It led to further discussion, as we hiked along, that maybe I wasn't the asshole, but somebody else was. And that led to more interpretations as to what was actually said. And accusations. Like...you couldn't find your asshole if you tried. Or why are you even looking for somebody's asshole. Then I remarked that maybe what was originally intended was: "Asshole (colon): couldn't find it."

We kept walking a few steps, but we had left someone behind. I turned and there was Rebecca, stopped on the trail. The most wonderful thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Paris at night, Saturn and its moons, Monument Valley, the Grand Canyon.

She's laughing so hard that she's crying.

Fortune Teller

I went to the fair tonight with some friends and they had this fortune teller there so I thought I would do it for fun. I paid ten dollars to have my palm read. This is what she said.

1. You were hurt growing up and it has taken you along time to heal but it has made you so much stronger today

2. You are torn between two loves. One of these loves showers you with affection but you do not share the same feelings that he does. Your other love is your true love but this person has hurt you deeply and confuses you. This person is your soul mate but may not be the person you end up with.

3. You have worked hard your whole life but do not make alot of money. You do what you do because you love it and material wealth does not appeal to you. Happiness does.

4. You will come into wealth through some sort of business that you will open in the future.

5. You will marry and have three children.

That's what she said to me. It's so weird. Well we'll have to see what happens. Another funny thing that happened at the fair was on the ferris wheel. We were on the ferris wheel with these two girls and one of them asked me where I lived. I told her West Ashley and she goes "Oh our football team just played ya'll". I was like "Oh really". Then I said where do you go to school and she said Berkely or something and told me she was in 11th grade and then......she asked me what grade I was in. Ha Ha! I just smiled and said "Honey I will 27 on Tuesday". She was like No Way! Shit I hope I look like you when I'm 27. That made my night and my year!!!

Need to Bitch!

It's really sad when I call home to talk to my Mom and she's too busy watching the O.C. to talk to me. What the hell is that? I don't even watch the O.C. That just irritated me so I had to say something. peace

In Memory

Thelma Louise Carter

THELMA LOUISE CARTER Gary, Indiana Passed away on Sunday, August 7, 2005. She was born July 16, 1945 in Gary, Indiana. She was a graduate of Roosevelt High School Class of 1963. She was a member of the Trinity Missionary Baptist Church; during her tenure there she was director of the theatre department. She received her BS in theatre from Indiana University, Bloomington and her MA from the University of Louisville, KY. She was in completion of her Doctorate at the City University of New York Graduate Center. She was a former teacher in the local Junior High and High Schools. She created a Black theatre course at the University of Louisville. Thelma studied acting at Stella Adler Theatre Studio in New York and also studied the technique of British theatre in London, England. During her professional career, she has performed on and off-Broadway, appeared in major motion pictures, and had a recurring role in the soap opera "The Guiding Light" in the late eighties. She moved to New York City in 1977, became an instructor of acting and an expert teacher of Shakespeare at the prestigious American Academy of Dramatic Arts, New York. She later became the Director of Instructions there at the Academy until her retirement in May, 2005. She was a devoted, generous and loving sister, "A strong quiet warrior". She is greatly loved and will be missed by many. She is preceded in death by her father and mother, Calvin and Thelma Carter Sr.; sister, Calvinita Carter Durham; and brother, Willie Reed Carter. She is survived by: three brothers, Calvin (Clara) Carter Jr. of Kansas City, KS, Dennis (Gwen) Carter of Frankfort, IL and Alex (Agnes) Carter of Gary, IN; 4 sisters, Georgian Moore, Marolin (Joe) Milan, Ida T. Jones and Hattie Mae Jones; special brother-in-law, Ural Durham all of Gary, IN; many nieces, nephews which she considered her own especially Alice, Mable, Tricy, Rick, Ebony, Jay, Endia and Boyce; very dear friends, Olivia Williams, Dino Scopas of New York, and David DeCastro of Chicago, IL; and special friends Bethel Temple C.O.G.I.C. Visitation Friday, August 12, 2005 from 12 to 8:00 p.m. Family Hour from 6 to 7:00 p.m. at the Guy & Allen Chapel, 2959 W. 11th Ave. Funeral services Saturday, August 13, 2005 at 11:00 a.m. at Trinity M.B. Church, 1831 Virginia St., Rev. Dwight Gardner officiating. Interment Oak Hill Cemetery. Professional services rendered by: Guy & Allen Funeral Directors, Inc.
Published in the Post-Tribune from 8/10/2005 - 8/12/2005.
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