Opportunity Knocks!

Wow! My film "Like This" that I worked on over the summer has been accepted into the Golden Star Shorts film festival in Los Angeles, California. The festival runs from Feb 23-25. I can't believe it. I've been invited to go out there and network. There will be agents, casting directors, producers, etc there to meet with all the applicants. Money is the obstacle but I will find a way to get out there. I have a free place to stay, I can get a cheap plane ticket so all I need is spending money. I feel like this is a open door that I need to find my way through or else I'm going to have deep regrets. My show is going great. I'm having a blast working in the theatre again. If I could only get paid for doing it life would be grand. P.S Boys really suck!!!!

The Lo Down

Okay so I'm just writing to give a brief update on what's been going on in my wonderful life. My show "Amadeus" opens next weekend. I've been working from 8:30 until 6:00 everyday and then driving home to eat, shower and then go to rehearsal from 8-11. I will be doing this same routine until next Sunday. I'm exhausted! I also got a new job!!!! I will be the lead teacher in the 3's classroom at a new pre-school opening in Charleston. I'm super excited and super nervous. First time being lead teacher so wish me luck. I have orientation from 9-1 tommorow and then open house from 1-3. Then I have dress rehearsal from 5 till God knows when. Did I mention I'm exhausted? The independent film I worked on over the summer, "Like This", premiered last weekend in Georgia at The Southern Fried Flick Festival. It was strange to watch myself on screen in a movie theatre with other people. It will be submitted to more festivals so hopefully it will win some awards. I also made a few contacts at the festival so hopefully I will have some more acting work soon. Still talking to Rick although as you can imagine I have not seen him in a week and I probably won't see him until next Saturday. I had to reschedule the GRE until the 1st of March because of scheduling conflicts but I'm relieved because now I have more time to study. Other than that life is Grand and I'm having a blast. Ta Ta!

Why?

Why would a 15 year old boy bring a pellet gun to school to scare his classmates?

Why would policemen shoot the 15 year old in the head?

Why did noone realize that the boy needed help long before the incident?

Why would an 18 year old and a 17 year old relentlessly beat 3 homeless men with a baseball bat resulting in one of the men's death?

Why are there homeless people in the first place?

Why didn't someone see the boys needed help before the incident?

Why would a well esteemed man in my hometown drug and drown his 4 and 7 year old boys and then shoot himself?

Why would he make a videotape and send it to his wife to tell her that it was her punishment?

Why would the U.S attack a Pakistani village killing 17 natives while not killing the Al-Queda mastermind they thought just happened to dwell there?

Why is America the number one country for obesity?

Why do we continue to stuff our children with over processed food in colorful packaging?

Why is South Carolina the lowest rank state in education?

Why have we been the lowest rank state in education in the past... I don't know....ten years or so?

Why does it cost you an arm, a leg, a toenail, your mama, your grandma, and your eternal soul to pay for an education?

and last but not least Why do men have nipples?

Random Thoughts

So I just read a friend's post and it made me think about my current dating situation. I've been complaining for so long about finding someone and now I have this great guy and I'm confused. Why am I confused? Is it because I don't have to work at this relationship? It's very comfortable. Well sort of. Now it's getting weird to me because I don't know what I feel but with my last relationship all I wanted was for us to be something substantial because it never was. Is that why I don't know what I want with this guy? With the other guy I never got what I wanted so it was a power struggle for me. I became obsessed to a very scary point. I wasn't getting what I wanted and when I don't get what I want well......you know how that goes. I just wanted to win the game and I wasn't and it pissed me off. Now with the new guy I don't really have to work much at the whole thing. He calls me everyday. He takes me out. He treats me like I'm supposed to be treated and yet something is missing and I believe it's with me. I don't know what I want or either I'm scared to death. Last night we watched a movie together and I felt like I was being a little aloof towards him. It's almost as if I don't care if he calls me or not. I don't care if we hang out or not. In the very beginning I did but now I just don't care. Maybe it's because I feel secure that he will always call me and we will always have plans. Maybe that's all it is. I don't know. Just random thoughts.

Far Away

I heard an echo in the dark
sounded like your voice
but it left me quick

Cold shiver down my spine
feeling your shadow close to me
wanting you but
your far away

Sunlight peeping through a crack in the floor
my heart is weeping
can't cry anymore

Sleeping in a feather nest
can't seem to get some rest
hear the water dripping down the hall
thought I heard your call

Gentle whisper in my ear
delicate gleaming of a tear
you on the otherside of nowhere

Coffee stains on the ceiling
where we used to do our dreaming

Inhaling you everywhere
little room we share

Cold shiver down my spine
feeling your shadow close to me
wanting you but
your far away.

Hedgehogs In The Hall (think I smoked a little too much weed)

There are hedgehogs in the hall
some big some tall
The eat all the roaches that are on crack
when they get a snack attack

At night when the sun goes down
the hedgehogs paint the town
They hang out with the mice and rats
and play strip poker with the alley cats

Halifax is a hedgehog who escaped from the lab
He ran down the hall, made a phone call and
took a cab

Now he is the pimp daddy on the corner
of 5th and Broad Street
He's got a million dollars and
some really furry feet

Let me tell you the story
of another famous rodent on the loose
His name is Horatio and he rides a red caboose
He smokes a joint or two everyday
and when the honeys see him
they think it's payday
For Horatio is the biggest dealer in the hall
from weed to LSD he's got it all

He lives in the biggest cage in town
but when the cops are out
he doesn't make a sound
Because he escaped many years ago
from jail when a little faggot
name Harry was messin with his tail

Now these are the tales
the freaky tales of the hedgehogs in the hall
The stories are ancient
You can't tell them all

But if you see a hedgehog
Be Nice to it
Because as you can see
they won't put up with your shit

Little Girl Lost

Little girl lost
searching for peace
a place to lay her head
sleep away misery

A bed of daisys to tickle her skin
laughing at herself
a healing wind

Her hugs and kisses
locked tight in her piggy bank heart

Waiting for the rain to clear
for the sun to come smiling
through the clouds

Anticipating a last kiss
to cast all others aside
A check written in desperation
ready to be cashed

A revelation and faith awakened from uncertainty
life is an undeniable reality

Untitled

Lingering thoughts and memories
wash away the darkness
sun bring forth the light
luminate my soul
don't let me die

Imagination of clouds and dust
fogging the mind
treasures lost and stolen
yearning to be left behind

Time quickly bridging the gap
of youth and age
Happiness forgotten but still
hanging on like a ribbon loosely tied

Tangled feelings of love and lust
forever still, devouring the heart

Feeling blindly in the dark
for something true
Caressing hope and a dream

Floating like a ghost
over a misty stream
unable to find a home
lonliness and sadness
humming a happy song

Hurt

Mama how you hurt me
bruised me with your pain
black and blue on my eye
like a dirty ugly stain

Incomprehensible reality
helpless in your hand
knowing you were dying inside
unable to understand

My arms outstretched to hold you
you just turned away
told you that I loved you
it was something you could not say

Remember

Remember that day the snow was falling down?
Remember how you whispered to me?
Remember how my tears were frozen in serenity?

The air was so cool and crisp
our breath danced in delight
and as we held each other closely
we silently agreed the moment was right

Remember how we laughed?
Remember how we cried?
Remember we were like children
with secrets to confide?

I touched your hand
you trembled
you shyed away with a smile
Nervously I giggled and looked at you for awhile

Remember how I raced you to Strawberry Field?
Remember Imagine?
Remember the roses?
Remember the kiss that we sealed?

Did you forget me like I told you?
Did you erase it from your memory?
Did you tear up that picture or did you look at it longingly?

Remember one thing only
Forget all the lies
Remember our snow angels
Remember our sheep meadow sky

Summer of 84

I used to sit by the seashore
Yes I did
Long Long ago

The summer of 84
I remember those days of yore
Yes I do
long long ago

I was only six, sweet, and naive
and the wind used to play peek-a-boo
with my bleachy golden locks

I was a child of the sea
Princess of Aquarius, I was an innocent
arrangement of love

I was bore from the passion
of two young lovers who made
love in the depths of the seas

My friends the waves
would wrap their tremendous cerulean arms
around me and caress me tenderly

I remember how peacefully
they crept up behind my back
and gently tapped my shoulder, but now
they have left no trace of their existence
I guess because I am older

My friend the Japanese princess
well she has dissapeared too
She ran away and married Adonis in the giant
sand castle we created

I wrote my name once in
the sand back in the summer of 84
but like a giant eraser
the waves have washed it away
along with those golden days of yore

Downtown

Downtown
lights are bright
people hurry along the streets
stale aroma of whiskey on the breath

Rain rapidly drizzles down the window
of a mercedes -benz
want some cappuccino?
"I'll do anything for you my dear"

You are wonderful
beautiful
everything I need

Traffic so noisy
Car honking ferociously

"Would you like to come in?"
Room 328
lip to lip conversation

Record scratching that old Chet Baker tune
the Caberent so sweet

Everything is broken up and dances
Is it love or lust?

Summers Kiss

Bittersweet days of Summer and sin
blazing passion and sun burnt skin

Lying in the cool grass healing the pain
smelling the smell of the falling rain

Caressing each other in a playful embrace
looking at each other face to face

Smiling so bright our ice cream would melt
tickling your feet, how soft they felt

Listening to the ocean through a pale colored shell
you untying my hair and laughing as it fell

Running through a maze of roses and thorns
regarding your grin as my dress was torn

Watching the sun as it set out of sight
our hands intertwined,praying for night

Walking along the silent seashore
knowing little kisses will bring us much more

Slowly we fall onto the sand
whispering sweet nothings, hand in hand

Living a memory to hold and reminisce
You and I and our long Summers kiss

I & You

I & You

I waited for you
You kept going

I ran to you
You ran away

I opened the door for you
You shut it in my face

I was there always
You were not there at all

I dreamed of you
You slept peacefully

I waited for an answer
You ignored

I thought of the consequence
You thought of your pain

I thought I was dying
You showed me life

These shoes...

These shoes are five years old now
These shoes saw you smile
These shoes saw you hurt me
They’ve walked many miles

Bubble gum stuck
stretched all on the sole
Got some stain on the inside
Kept me warm from the cold

These shoes saw Aerosmith
They met Lauren Bacall
These shoes walked up 5th avenue
They strolled Central Park in the Fall

Pen Marks from History Class on the right tongue
Says "I love you" in blue ink to that special someone
These shoes have good support
These shoes made me stand tall
These shoes still have tear stains
They were there when you didn’t call

Stepped in horse poo on Market Street
Made everybody laugh
Got cat calls on King Street
Still got Southern Class

These shoes have not been to Paris
They have not been to Rome
These shoes are not world travelers but
They know where to call home

Serendipity

Music: John Mayer "Serendipity"


"If only my life was more like 1983", some of the lyrics heard in the song "Serendipity" by that kid with the "quarter life crisis", John Mayer. Most of us in our early to late twenties can identify with his lyrical poetry. He puts to music all of the fears and phobias that so annoyingly give us four years of stress or for some ten years of deadly anxiety. He defines with clarity the emotional rollercoaster we must all take to reach that dreaded destination we call "the real world". I can relate to exactly every brainwave he has manufactured. His music is like a satellite that sends out a radio signal to all who can sympathize with his ambiguity about the future. He creates an interesting question and one that I believe will never be correctly answered. "How do you know what you want to do 5 years, 10 years, even twenty years from now"? Hell, I don't even know what I want to be doing a day from now. Who can really blame him for romanticizing about the past. In 1983 I was five years old. When your five years old you could careless what you will be doing in twenty years. The ironic thing about childhood is that it is almost like living in a dream. You don't really have any control of your life as a child. It's almost that same feeling of having a dream and not being able to wake up or change what is happening until your 25th birthday when you realize your living a terrifying nightmare called reality. Toys play an integral part in what we decide to do with our lives. We are told as children by toy manufacturers that we can be or do anything when we grow up. Bride to be Barbie, Executive Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, and even the liberated presidential Barbie give us the illusion that it can all happen. All we have to do is be beautiful, have big breasts, and sport a ten inch waist and fuck the boss. For boys it's the same idea. They are given superheroe figurines, GI Joes, firetrucks, trains, and any other plaything that symbolizes masculinity. They are taught to be strong, unemotional men who rescue the damsel in distress only to break her heart and fuck her best friend. This all goes along with that generation x and y cycle theory I referred to earlier. At five years old I was singing and dancing and acting my little heart out only to be frou froued into another direction by giant monsters called adults who were unhappy in the land of Oz. "There is no sense in being curious about what's over the rainbow. You have everything you'll ever need right here in Kansas. Remember, There's no place like home my dear". You know, I had a big pink Barbie house when I was five. It was three stories high and had an elevator and everything. My parents decided that when I was eight I was getting to old for it and so they threw it in the garbage. Why didn't I have a say in that decision?

The Feeling

It's starting! That feeling! You know the one I'm referring to. The one where I start to lose control of myself and I become a mindless idiot. I'm starting to fall damnit! I've tried to hold back the feeling but it's slowly starting to seep into my heart like a incurable disease. I'm afraid to fall. Who isn't? My naivete caused me great disappointment before and who's to say cupid will not play his evil trickery on me again. I am desperately trying with all my might to retain control of my emotions but it's like I've had to pee for 3 years and I can't hold it any longer. The dam will eventually burst no doubt about it. And the question I have is is it okay? Is it okay to warm up to someone? Sometimes our society leads us to believe that it's not okay to reveal emotion or even affection. Generation X and Y have given a new meaning to relationships. We've seen the failures of the baby boomers and their attempts at a lasting marriage. Divorce, separation, and the worst of them all; the couple who stays together for security and not happiness. I think many of us can relate to these issues and how they have psychologically impaired us from trusting others to love us. It's only natural for our generation to want a sexual relationship with no strings attatched. Who can blame us? Allowing someone the possibility of hurting us is a big mess that many of us just don't have enough paper towels to clean up. The problem with this whole scenario is their is this thing called the human condition. A condition that makes us yearn and long for the companionship of another. It's natures mischievous way of seducing us into procreation. Somehow though I believe it's a lot more complicated than that. We need each other to reach our full potential. We need the support, the affection, the intimacy, and the love to thrive. For most people the search for a soul mate is an important quest in life, one that we feel will complete that missing piece to the puzzle of existence. Through childhood and beyond we invent this image of a future husband or wife. Our culture has fed us fairytale stories of destiny and true love. Life is not complete until we have found and wed prince charming. In today's world prince charming is the man with the bank. The lawyers, the doctors, the CEO's who can buy us a castle and make our Cinderella dreams come true. In my opinion the "marry a rich man and you'll live happily everafter" line is played out. Our generation needs to rethink their philosophy on love and allow others into their heart. We have to learn to trust and let go of our fear of abandonment. We as a generation have to break the cycle of the one before us and learn to love for the sake of love and nothing more.