32 Flavors And Then Some...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Think Of A Happy Thought!!

So I figure I should write something happy because my last post was depressing.

Um I'm going to Southend Brewery tonight to go salsa dancing. I bought a cute top today from Willy Jay's. I went to O'Quinn to see my babies and that's about it. I had the day off. These are short sentences like I'm learning how to write. Blah Blah Blah. I don't know what to write. Okay Happy Thoughts!

But Peter, how do we get to neverland?

[Peter:] Fly, of course!

[Wendy:] Fly?

[Peter:]
It's easy! You think of a wonderful thought!

[The children:] Any happy little thought?


Ha Ha! Okay So now I have added happy thought to my blog. Let me leave you with thoughts of fluffy kitties, cute warm puppies, rainbows, stars, glitter, castles, puffy clouds, moonbeams and pixie dust.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

We Are Family!!

Music: "Best That You Can Do" Christopher Cross and REM "Shiny Happy People"

So almost everyone I know has a dysfunctional family. If you don't have one then you're almost considered an oddity in this day and age. So yes my family is dysfunctional and tonight really took the cake. I won't go into any details but I had an awesome day at work today and then on my way home I get a phone call from one of my sisters telling me some very disturbing things. Just put it this way, I was in complete shock for a minute and couldn't speak. It is a situation that is out of my control. I don't know what to do and there is nothing I can do. I feel so helpless but the only person that can change this situation won't do anything about it and it's starting to piss me off. It's getting to the point that I don't even feel sorry for them anymore. I realize how normal I am. Well as normal as I can be. I swear right here and right now that I will never ever put my children through this. You know I'm glad I've been alone all this time. I know what I want when I find the right person. I want someone who is caring, affectionate, smart. I will never put up with what my Mother puts up with. NEVER!!! I can't wait to have a family because I want a real family. I want to take time with my children and get to know who they are and love them. Hug them and kiss them everyday until they can't take it anymore. Tell them I love them. I will photograph them until they can't stand to see another camera. I will make them feel special. Make them feel like somebody. No wonder I have issues with men. I'm just this lonely girl and when someone comes along and I feel something I immediately get attatched because I just want to love someone and have them love me back without any crap. The biggest thing I want to fight over with my husband is who gets the remote or what we are going to have for dinner. I hate this. I hate it. I just don't understand how someone can keep going through this and not change it. I have to say that I'm so proud of myself. God I have come along way from that mess. No wonder I was so messed up. It has taken me awhile to get myself to the point I am now but I have to stay strong. I can't let this effect me. I just want to go outside and scream to the top of my lungs!!! Just SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 23, 2005

My Poem

Another day gone by
and here I sit
here I cry

Another day of putting on a smile
when inside I just want to die

Another day of trying to let you go
How could I ever get this low?

Another hour, another minute
and always the thought of you in it

Why? Why? Why?
The question that consumes my mind
but time is something I cannot rewind

My heart ripped in half
how could you have ever made me laugh?

I let my guard down, trusted you, I let you in
but somehow I have to hold up my chin

Every day my heart mends a little more
I replace each stitch you tore

The scar on my heart will always remain
but things will never stay the same

So okay you got me
I played the fool once again
but next time it's my turn to win

My turn to win with someone who cares
someone to wipe my tears and ease my fears

Someone who knows what they've got
A beautiful girl who's not afraid to put up a fight
Someone who will open their heart to royalty
and treat me like the princess I deserve to be.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

My Hollywood Girl!!





Music: "I Promise" When In Rome

Well Connie is gone. She is on her way to L.A. Tonight was very sad as we all said goodbye to one another. But I'm happy for her. I'm so glad she's going to follow her dreams. I've had a great weekend spending our last weekend in Charleston together for awhile. She has been such a great friend to me. We have both helped each other through rough times and I don't know what I would have done without her. I'm going to miss all the Connieisms like that noise she makes like a cat. I'm gonna call her out of the blue sometimes just so I can hear it. Her life is just beginning. Good Luck Connalulu. I love you!!!! Remember "Live like you'll die today...Dream like you'll live forever". James Dean.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Typical Night Out and other things....

Music: "Why" by Avril Lavigne ( This song pretty much sums up what I'm feeling right now) Make this feeling go away please!!!!!!!!!!

I went out last night with Connie because it's her last weekend here. I had alot of fun. We went to this place called Trio Club. Nothing but guys with gelled back hair but I had a blast. It was a bunch of us that went. I'm so tired of going out. It's the same thing everytime. Your dancing with your girls and some random guy comes up behind you and starts trying to dance with you and then they get a little to touchy feely and you move away. Or then there is that one that you just dance with because you figure "What the hell" and then he thinks your all in love with him and he can get you in the bed so he asks the famous question. "What are you doing after this?" "We are having a party, wanna come?" I have stupidly fallen for this before and you end up going to the so called "party" and there are like 5 people there and all he wants to do is make out with you until everyone eventually leaves and he can get what he was after all along. Guys go about things all wrong. I don't want to really meet anyone in a bar persay but hey let's admit it. You do want some attention after you spend 2 hours getting all dolled up to go out. So you walk in and then the comments start. "Damn Girl", etc etc. You know as flattering as all that is How about NO! I'm not going to fall at your feet because you said "Damn Girl!" to me. Or then there are the guys that are obviously interested in you but they just kinda stalk you and never say anything to you. I experienced all of these last night but that's the one that drives me the most crazy. Just come freakin talk to me. It's like they are so intimidated. I'm not going to bite. They just kinda sit there and stare and then when you move somewhere so do they. Grow some balls! I'm tired of being the one to start the conversation. I believe in the strong modern women just as much as the next girl but sometimes I would like a guy to talk to me and start an intelligent conversation. Not What are you doing later? How about, so what do you do? Where are you from? and Scooby Dee Doo. I just think it's really sad that I live in one of the top ten places to be single and date and I don't have any dates!!!! Where can I meet a nice guy? Church seems so appealing now. By the way, my new job rocks! It is so much fun. I get to wear lounge wear and play with kids all day and get paid well for doing it. The gym is awesome. I can't wait to actually start teaching the classes. I think I'm really going to enjoy it.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Why couldn't I be born under another sign? Why Me?

I haven't read this profile of my zodiac sign in quite awhile. It's so me it's terrifying. The very end has truth however. I have been learning to deal with my emotions and I have been learning from others lately. It sums up everything I am going through right now. How come everytime I go out and a guy finds out I'm a scorpio he totally flips out and thinks it's the best thing ever? Sounds scary to me. I think I would run from me if I was a guy. Well, I'm not going to comment any further on that last statement. :) There has to be someone man enough to handle my crazy ass.

Scorpio Karma Profile


Scorpio is typically described in one word: intense.
Deeply emotional and emotionally complex, Scorpio
possesses an incredible charisma that attracts and
stimulates others, who always want to know, Who is
that behind the intriguing mystery? That's the great
question: Who lives behind the sexy, alluring yet
impregnable persona Scorpio portrays? The answer isn't
an easy one to find. Most Scorpios like to keep their
secrets, and perhaps they couldn't tell you even if
they wanted to; their constantly rising and falling
emotional responses often prove confusing at best.
Their driving pursuit, however, is connection. It's
what gives them their reputation for being amazing
lovers and what makes them so intense in both romantic
and platonic relationships. Behind that drive to
connect, however, is a driving sense of insecurity.
Scorpio is afraid that if it disconnects from others,
the disconnection will be complete and irrevocable.
This is the reason why Scorpio has developed such an
elaborate system of maintaining engagement, complete
with secrets and allusions, manipulations and
occasional rages and that Scorpion's sting that can
lash out whenever Scorpio gets its feelings hurt.
All this takes up a lot of time and energy, to say the
least. Scorpio's Karmic task is to learn to relax and
let go of its fear of abandonment and being alone. If
Scorpio can learn that to disconnect isn't necessarily
permanent, there would be less of a need for
manipulative or vindictive behavior; of course, the
only way to learn that lesson is to let go, which may
be far easier said than done. Scorpio tends to be one
of the most possessive, jealous and suspicious Signs
of the Zodiac. Those born under its influence possess
a heightened sense of secrets and are always trying to
sniff out what's hidden. However, other Signs may be
more forthright and direct, meaning everything is out
in the open but Scorpios will try to find out the
"real" truth anyway, perhaps even to the point of
creating a secret or a lie where there isn't one.
Scorpios must learn the value of trust and privacy.
Allow friends and lovers to feel trusted and
trustworthy; allow them to choose which parts of
themselves to share and which to keep private.

One reason it may be hard to trust others is that we
are afraid we can't trust ourselves to withstand being
hurt or taken advantage of. When something like that
happens to Scorpio, its Scorpionic instinct is to get
revenge. Scorpio is not a malicious Sign, mind you; it
simply has an incredibly complex emotional life and
tends to be at the mercy of those emotions. Scorpio
must learn to self-regulate more effectively, to
resist the urge to lash out when hurt, to rise above
pettiness and manipulation. Learn to forgive and
forget, since holding on to anger and grudges improves
nothing for anyone.

These lessons are difficult to learn, however. In our
struggles toward personal freedom, it helps to get
inspiration from others who have already mastered what
we are trying to learn.

Insomniac

Music: Suzanne Vega "Tom's Diner"


I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!!!! For three days now. And I don't know why I'm listening to Tom's Diner but it goes with the crazy ass mood I'm in. Tonight is not so bad though because I passed out at 9:00 and just woke up. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday night no sleep. Maybe two hours. If I could remove my brain from my head this week I would be all good. Way too many changes for me in one week so I'm coping the best way I know how. Today was my last day at work. Very emotional day but a change needed to happen. Those are my little babies and it's hard to know I can't see them everyday anymore. I will visit quite often. I'm still going to sub. and babysit so it's okay. Tomorrow I start my new job at My Gym. I'm so nervous but excited. Connie is moving to L.A on Monday. I'm not going to realize she is gone until next week when I go to call her and ask her if she wants to go to Atlanta Bread and she's not going to be here. I got a lot of things off of my chest to a certain someone that were burdening me this week so that's a relief. I'm struggling with letting go. It's so freakin hard. Why can't I just do it? I just want it to get out of my mind so I can focus on other things. I'm just following the light in front of my path and trusting it to lead me to higher ground. I feel like I'm in a dream right now. It's so weird. Nothing is stable anymore. Everything is all changing. Where is my middle C? People grow old, Babies grow up, people grow apart, towns change, things change all around you but middle C will always be the same note. It will never change. I'm looking at everything right now and it's at this point when things get weird. This time in my life. I'm trying to build my strength to face all the change. Growing up is so weird. I feel like a wise old owl now. Like I've finally lived a little life by this point but I have so much more to look forward to. I feel like this week I have really been held by the hand of a higher power. My actions this week were pushed by something stronger than myself and my eyes opened to the power of forgiveness. You can't restore your soul until you learn this lesson. Holding on to negativity only makes the empty spot in my stomach grow bigger and bigger. I also learned that you can never get complete closure with someone especially after you cared a lot about them. I got all the closure I can from him at the moment and the rest is up to me to deal with on my own. I have to say that I am proud of myself for handling things the way I have this week. I learned the greatest lessons about what love really is this week. So change is good. At first it's a little scary but who knows what I'm going to encounter in the next year. I'm excited because I know lots of cool things are going to take place and I will just keep growing and growing from them. I know one thing though. My ass is going to L.A for new years. Connie you better have the couch ready! We are going to party like it's 1999.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

WTC 9/11

Today is September 11,2005. On September 11, 2001 I lived in New York City. Luckily I was home in Augusta visiting my parents on that terrible day. I will never forget watching the events unfold on t.v. I just wanted to remember all those people that died that day and all the heroes who risked their lives to save them. It will be something I will never forget. I remember driving back to New York and going through Washington and seeing the pentegon and then driving on the jersey side and seeing the smoke pouring out from where the WTC once stood. I heard many stories that touched my heart when I returned to my job on the UWS two days after the attacks. The city was so quiet, so eerie. New York will always be a second home to me. I feel like it is everyone's city. I knew what it meant to be American on that day and for the first time in my short life I realized what it meant to have pride for my country.

Trying To Fix Myself !!!!!

Music: "Fix You" Cold Play(this song fits)

So I have been writing in here alot but I have alot on my mind. Like I said before. This is the best therapy for me. So I have learned alot this week about love and what it means to love someone. I realized alot of things about myself. I've been crazy over someone for almost two years although we didn't date that long. Whatever happened in the short amount of time we spent with each other really made an impact on me more than it ever has with anyone. Because this person represented so many things I saw in myself I immediately fell for him. Same drive, same passion, same beliefs, same personality, style. Just many similarities. Many people who were acquainted with him told me to stay away. He was trouble. I did not listen. I was sure that I saw something they did not see in him. I saw a sweet, caring, talented person who maybe hid what he was feeling inside behind a beautiful smile. He seemed so sad but I could never pinpoint what it was all about. I'm a fixer. Meaning I think that I have the ability to fix everything, make everyone happy which I finally have learned noone has the ability to do but that person who needs fixing. I discovered this because I needed fixing and I maybe still do but I'm working on it. I stayed in my first serious relationship so long because although this person was killing me I cared about him and I thought I could put a band-aid on all his boo boo's and make everything better. Not to mention the fact I was scared to death of him. I realized that I'm letting all of these men that come into my life treat me like crap because I've never had one treat me the way I should be treated. I don't know what that is supposed to feel like. I thought I was done with letting guys run over me after seeing my parents relationship. I thought I had broken the cycle but I had not. I was still repeating my mother's behavior but in a different way. I was still learning and not realizing it. This last person I dated treated me like crap and although I knew it wasn't right I kept thinking he'll change. He's just going through a bad phase right now because of things that happened to him in his past. He needs time so I gave it to him. Any other girl would have already said "See Ya" but I hung in their because I believed in my heart that it could work because I loved him. I read this book the other night that really made the light bulb come on. This person made me feel so guilty for caring about him that I thought their was something really wrong with me. Am I too clingy? get too attatched? Am I being too pushy? I didn't know what I was doing because when I would ask the response I would get is that everything is fine. In fact their really was no response. The communication sucked and I wonder now why I put myself through that a second time.

So the conclusion I've come to is that all the things I did for this person, all the care I had really was love. I was patient with him, wanted to be there for him no matter what. It was selfless love until I started to be pushed away and then my selfish side came out and I got desperate for his attention. The things he did was not love. Everything revolved around him, his schedule, his life, what he was dealing with. I was just there when he felt like calling. Why did it take me so long to realize this? I'm so naive that when he told me he needed time apart to heal I believed him. He said he needed to be alone. Well I found out a few days ago that he did not need to be alone. He was starting to date someone just as we were ending. He did the same thing to me last time. When I started to sense something was up I confronted him about it but he just looked at me like I was crazy and made me feel like crap for even bringing it up. He said "trust me, I'm being honest with you". He was a freakin liar. I give people the benefit of the doubt way too much. If I have any trust issues what so ever it's because of this last ordeal. So yes it hurts like crazy to know I meant nothing but it also helps me to finally realize I was not the one with the issues. I was just a nice girl who wanted a good relationship with someone. All summer long I'm thinking he's all alone dealing with his problems and we will eventually be reunited. I wasted my energy on him and I'm done. I got burned, I learned my lesson for next time. I started to lose my self worth for awhile thinking I was unloveable or something. I know I'm an attractive girl with a big heart and lots of love to give to someone who deserves it from me. I have alot going for me and I'm tired of feeling I'm behind everyone else because I'm not. I am the one who hindered myself from happiness and I'm not doing it anymore. I don't want to be jaded anymore because I have been extremely bitter about dating anyone else because I am scared the samething will happen again. I will never tell another guy how I feel unitl he tells me first. I am going to have a huge lock on my heart and when the right person comes along I will give up the key. You know my first reaction on hearing about this other girl he was dating was hurt and then anger. I'm still angry but it will subside. All I wanted to do was go to his house and tell him off but then I thought "for what"? So he can just look at me like I'm completely psycho again. Will it really do me any good to let him know he got to me? No! So I just punched a few pillows and I'm writing this to get my agression out. It's so funny because I used to put him so high on this pedestal and now I look at him and he doesn't look so good anymore. He's just a sad little boy who really needs to grow up and gain some courage. The funny part is that after all he's put me through I still have a soft spot for him and I probably always will. I will find a great guy who I deserve and I'm certain of it because I think this is the biggest lesson that God wanted me to learn before he was going to let that happen for me. I know this was long but I feel like a million times better for writing all that down. I also want to thank my friends for trying to get all this through my thick skull. Your breath was not wasted. It may have taken me awhile to realize but I did and life goes on!!!!!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Life Is Too Short!!

Whenever something makes an impact on me I immediately want to write it down. It helps me to express how I'm feeling and right now I realize just how short life can be. My sister's best friend Erin's sister just died tonight at the age of sixteen. Her name was Casey. Erin, Casey and another little girl were on I-20 last night and swerved to hit a tire in the middle of the road. The girl driving lost control of the car and it went off in the woods somewhere. Casey was pronounced brain dead last night and her parents decided to take her off life support today. What a tragedy. Brittany is a mess. She keeps everything bottled up and she's taking this pretty hard. Death is so difficult to face. When things like this happen it seems like nothing else really matters. People spend their whole lives blaming other people for their problems and fighting when what they really should be doing is making the most of the time they have now. Life is only what you make it. People take so many things for granted. I know I have. God has blessed me with so many things and I am eternally grateful but sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone. However life is learning and I think this has made me want to cherish the people in my life even more. I pray for her family and I pray that God gives my sister the strength to get through this rough time and be a rock for her friend Erin.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Sexually harassed In Georgia!!!!!!


Music: Tears For Fears "Head Over Heels" (Great Song)

Okay so I have to tell this story because it's way too funny. You sorta had to be there but just try to visualize. So Connie and I headed up to Athens Saturday morning for the game. We are all decked out in full Bulldog attire, and the car is all decorated with Georgia paraphanalia and ready to go. We get to Athens and walk around in the blazing sun, have a few beers, some pizza, drool over cute guys and just enjoy the spirit in the air before the game. The game started at 5:30. We find our seats and get all hyped up while the redcoat band plays before kickoff chanting and what not. About an hour into the game Connie is not as enthusiastic as I am because we are pouring sweat and she's not really a bulldog. I was trying to get her to convert but nevertheless she held out through all my hoopin and hollerin. The game is over. We won of course! 48-13! We hang around Athens a little longer and then decide we've had enough so we proceed to find the car and head back to Augusta. We needed gas so I pull over to the Exxon station. I pull up to the pump, open the car door, put my foot on the ground ,look up and my jaw drops to the floor. Connie gets out to go pay and she stops and stares at me like "What are you looking at"? A boy about 18 or 19 with his parents is rubbing his private area and smiling at me. His dad is pumping gas okay and he is on the other side of the car just rubbing away. The following dialogue took place:

Brandi: Uh Connie.

Connie: (pause)Um Yea you go play with the penis, I'm going to go pay for the gas.

5 minutes later after gas is paid. Connie walks to the car. Mr. Happy starts it up again smiling at us.

Connie: Yea okay um let's go!

I could not stop laughing for at least an hour. If you could have seen the expression on Connie's face it was priceless. We had so much fun! I'm gonna miss that girl.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Katrina

What the hell is up with the government? I can't believe how chaotic New Orleans has become after Hurricane Katrina. Why are these people not getting any help or why didn't they get help sooner? I was completely shocked to see the images on the news of thousands of people with no food or water for days and noone doing a damn thing about it. If we can air drop crates of food to Iraq then why in the hell can we not air drop some food to our own country? Politics and the government is one thing I will never understand and I try not to judge the decisions our president makes because I want to support my country but it's just a little difficult now especially after I found out he stayed on vacation an extra day after the hurricane. What the hell is that about? It's his job and he signed up for it. It's time for us to start helping our own country. I don't see any other countries rushing over here to help us at the moment. I'm just very upset and honestly a little scared. Gas prices are astronomical and I don't even think I should drive to Athens tommorow night. I feel as if the world is getting close to the end. It's times like these when I yearn for a home life, some security. This world is a scary place and it's not getting any better. I just want to help somehow but all I know to do is make a donation and pray for the best. I can't believe I almost moved to New Orleans. I could be in the middle of that hell right now. At least I know God is watching out for me. People need to wake up and realize how short life is and quit being so self-centered. We are all here for a reason and that is to learn something. This may sound very cliche but love is the answer to everything. I really hope heaven exisits because I'm tired of all the negativety in this world.